Saturday, April 18, 2015

Don't Stop Believing

Progress report, of sorts.
I am going to stop referring to him as 'lab boy' and call him what I think his name is, Joel.  Yesterday when he came into my office, I was sitting in my back work area, at the counter where his pick up/drop off basket is, doing some file work.  My sensor went off, alerting me that someone was in the room and by the time I was going to peek my head around the corner to see if it was someone that needed help, I saw his arm on the other side of the wall.  He hesitated a minute before moving into view, and then he came and took his work, leaving me mine, smiling his shy, perfect smile the whole time.  He hesitated for a minute before turning to go, pointing with a perfectly toned bicep and me and saying, "You...have a good weekend."  I think the hesitation might have been him trying to work up the nerve to ask me out, but that might just be me assuming.  I smiled back and told him to do the same.  Then, all too soon, he was gone and I was thinking how far away Monday felt.  My head has been a mess with this whole thing.  I have been comparing him to my husband, and that's just not fair.  What Joel is doing to me inside doesn't have anything to do with him or my husband, it has to do with me feeling like I need outside validation.  While Joel is quite attractive, physically really fit, beautiful brown eyes, a killer smile, it isn't fair to my marriage to compare that to my husband (who, by the way, is a fricking KNOCKOUT).  Its the attention I am craving.
Well, my head was a huge mess when I got home on Friday night, and my husband was irritable from a lack of sleep due to an important engagement the prior night.  It brought out some of his less-attractive qualities, and I started to feel a shift in feelings.  It is that easy, right?  One guy is all sweet and (seems) warm and smiles at me like I am some angel, and the other is yelling at my kids for being themselves, and dryly joking (?) with me about something insignificant.  When my husband went into my room to meditate, I decided to go for a walk to think about things.  When I started out, the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful!  I have this pair of Converse shoes with zippers all over that make me feel really punk and cool, so I wore them, and put on a song that I've been playing a lot of (J.A.R by Green Day) because the energy and emotion in that song remind me of spring, of vitality and now, of this situation because I've been playing it in my office, and a few times when Joel has come in, it is playing on my iPhone.  And he grins even bigger hearing my music.  Which makes me feel even cooler.  Anyway, the walk was good.  I was really emotional, going through all sorts of thoughts, what I'd do if Joel found out I am married and stopped looking at me that way, how I'd handle it if he asks me out (I'd be lying if I said I hadn't imagined how it might be to go out on a date with him, but it will never happen), and what it is that I feel I need that I am not getting from my marriage.  I walked so long that there was only a sliver of light left in the sky by the time I reached my driveway, and I felt a little better at least thinking through the scenarios.
Today I woke up and felt 10 pounds lighter, like one little walk could make me a super-fit person all of the sudden.  But that put me in a good mood.  I have been more flirty and joking with my husband today and he has been very receptive to it.  I have been doing really well eating better this week.  I am having a lot more control over things.  Today I went to lunch at a new artsy-fartsy cafe and while they had vegetarian options, they were all carb-centric.  I opted for the hummus pita "pizza" with cucumbers and tomatoes on top, and I stopped eating when I was satisfied instead of just eating the whole thing so that I didn't need to bring it home.  I ate half my pizza and a few homemade chips (they were so good) and brought the rest with.  I am realizing that I am OK with not eating the entire world, and that it actually makes my body feel better.  And I can't say for sure, but I think staying away from the processed sugars is making my knee feel better.  It still hurts but less.  That's a huge deal!
I had a much healthier mindset about Joel today, mostly rehearsing in my head what I'll say if he asks me out.  A nice compliment, tell him that the way he smiles at me makes me high, and that if I weren't married I would have asked him out myself a few weeks ago.  I felt better about it than I have in weeks.  And tonight when I went for another walk I thought about ways that I am already cool, without anyone having a crush on me.  And those things have always been there, they were just silent until he opened me up.  And what has been recovered is that I am an amazing, beautiful, fun person because of who I am.  The external vindication has been wonderful, but it opened me up to something so much more precious, believing that I am an awesome person.  Yes, I am.  And, walking makes me feel good and fresh, and eating cleaner makes me feel alert and energetic, things I haven't felt in a couple years!  I'm sure when I see Joel on Monday, I will still get charmed by his gorgeous smile, but I know that his attention is simply a confirmation of the awesomness that has been there all along.  Now is my turn to just believe it and never let go of that truth.

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