Thursday, April 16, 2015

Good Days at Work.

The lab boy thing is getting a little out of control.  Nothing dramatic had happened, we barely say 2 words to each other and yet, he is smiling so hard even when he's not looking at me, and I have given up trying not to smile at that.  I keep trying to be the voice of reason in my own head, thinking maybe he's only doing that because he thinks I am crushing on him, and maybe he is cocky. And, in the event he gets past the shy guy thing and asks me out, I will look like a tremendous jerk for what I've been allowing to happen.  It's still just smiling, but I feel that it's more for him.  And, today when he walked through I was with a customer but he was smiling without looking at me, and when I looked at him my heart skipped for a minute and I realized that he is attractive, I just didn't want to see it because no good can come from it.  It's just that feeling when you meet someone and they see some good stuff in you that others can't or don't see.  He has me believing I am really something.  And sometimes I'm so convinced that I am a little surprised when I look in the mirror that I'm not some amazingly beautiful creature by most people's standards (or even my own) but he seems to see something.  And, maybe I'm just assuming too much.  Maybe he's just really shy and he does that at all the offices.  Maybe he really is just laughing at me.  All I know is that I haven't wanted to admit to myself that I am attracted to him, or to what I know of him, which isn't a lot, and my conflict isn't over what to do about it, but about whether or not any of it matters since nothing has or will happen.  Everyone wants to feel attractive, and being a fat girl I need a little more reassurance that I am beautiful.  My husband is sweet and appreciative of everything I do, but he never tells me I'm pretty, even when I put in extra effort and think I look good.  I know he feels connected to me on a whole different level and tells me profound, loving things, but...I guess I'm greedy in wanting to know I'm attractive. I know that's my own flaw and I'll have to work through it in order to maintain my sanity long-term but for now I'm going to soak up the situation because it is harmless, and when I am distanced from it enough, I may tell my husband that I need that from him, not from other guys. It is a learning process for me.  I never claimed to be perfect, but I'm willing to learn from my flaws.  

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