Friday, April 24, 2015

My Own Little Trip

I finally found out his name, it's Elliot, not Joel.  He seems sweet.  He's definitely not blushing as much as he used to, and smiling less too, so something has changed.  I'm trying to figure out all the stuff inside me that's going on while this whole things winds down.  When the 'crush and blush' was going on, I was showing off things about myself such as, leaving my phone by the pickup spot, case-side up (there's a killer picture of my favorite band, Green Day on it) and had some music playing.  I staged which song he would hear by starting the song and putting it on repeat a few minutes before he came in.  He would take note and smile.  I wore the outfits that I think I look best in, even wore my Converse shoes sometimes even though I don't technically think it qualifies as part of my uniform.  I went a little crazy trying to look my coolest.  Why?  So he'd be more attracted to me?  So it'd would bother him all the more that I couldn't be with him?  I tried to tell myself that it was really just me finally expressing myself and being comfortable with who I am, but it is more lame than that.  I miss the attention, the way he used to look at me like I was something.  I want him to crush on me because that means I'm pretty enough, cool enough, good enough to have a crush on.  The truth is, when I thought of what it would be like to start dating someone again, I was all swooning about the romantic getting-to-know-each other phase, but when I imagined what it would be like to introduce someone to my naked body, I was so horrified at the thought.  I'm lucky I can even let my husband see or touch me, much less, someone new.  So it was never about wishing I could follow through on the crush, it was about feeling like someone thinks I'm beautiful.  And now, that feeling has subsided and I have to make sense of what was my true self coming through and what was part of the plot to get him to fall deeper for me.  I was equating my worth to how he reacted to me.  And not just him but how other guys reacted to me too.  All because I need attention. Yep, it took me a while to figure it out but it reared its ugly head.  Part of me is relieved that he's settled down a little, now I just have to do the same.  No more trying to affect the guy.  I will still keep up my beautifying project, because feeling like I look good makes me treat others well.  My customers have been getting such great service because I'm in such a fantastic mood.  It doesn't have to be about an external source, feeling good can be its own reward, and should. 
I have been eating pretty good the past two weeks and I really started feeling drained again tonight so I decided tonight would be a good night to have a cheat meal, and my husband even let me pick the place.  I chose my favorite Mexican restaurant, Los Magueyes.  They have so many vegetarian dishes and the food is good.  It is less salty than some places we eat, and the walls are so colorful and decorative.  The food was so good to me tonight.  I feel like I can taste things better these days.  When I was done eating I got the most amazing buzz.  Food buzz is the best kind!  I'm still wiped out from not getting as much sleep last night, but boy those carbs made me feel good.
My plan is to continue doing things that make me feel good because they really do express who I am.  I want to get or make new clothes, work more on my book, listen to music that I love, and take care of myself because those things naturally lift me.  Elliot is a cute guy who brings me my work, he's not coming with me for the rest of my journey, this is my trip to take.  I may never had taken the opportunity to get back on track if it wasn't for his attention, but it showed me the things I am most proud of about myself, and that is something I can build on.  

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