Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Outside

Some of my posts have been trapped in not-gonna-go-through land as I marvel at how our technicologically-advanced society can make phones that do amazing things, yet getting a good data connection seems like I'm asking for a miracle!  Oh the hassles of our complex lives!  
Something that's been building in me finally came to a head last week.  I got to that point, the one where I've eaten myself into a corner.  The point where I am so sick of food and nothing sounds appetizing.  I always reach this point when I go for long periods of eating on autopilot, and I've come to realize it is really my body begging for nutrition.  This time I am craving berries and sour/acidic things.  I have been having some berry juices (Naked juices mostly).  It was tasting so good and making me feel good and I gave the thought of a juicing/fruit-and-veggie-only "reboot" again.  So I decided halfway through the week that if I still felt the drive to do this by the time I went grocery shopping in Saturday morning I would just buck up and do it.  I didn't feel the drive by Saturday, but I did feel compelled to eat better and get more nutrients and lay off all the processed, sugary crap I've been eating lately.  I'm trying to play it off in my mind as "eating better" or an experiment to see if my joints feel better on less sugar, but according to the groceries I bought and meals I've planned, it is essentially South Beach Diet vegetarian style.  I actually bought eggs for the first time in 2 years in preparation for these changes.  It took a lot of mental bargaining to come to the decision to buy and eat eggs, but I reasoned that I do eat eggs in other stuff, and those poor baby chickens would be there in the store whether or not I ate them.  I have been craving Eggland's Best eggs for some time so this is giving my body what it's asking for.  This is a new concept for me to listen internally instead of externally.  It will be interesting to see how this week goes, and to see how much of the sugar cravings are from the blood sugar flux and how much of it is the mental game.  I feel better equipped to handle making better choices more of the time. 
Something else has been going on at work that puzzles me.  I have several people that come to my office to drop off goods or pick up eyeglass orders going to the various production labs.  One of our "runners" has been acting funny lately when he comes for the exchange.  He's making small talk, which he used to never do, and before leaving he gets this gigantic smile on his face that he tries to hide.  I haven't really looked at him in any way before, because he was never very social, but ever since he saw me drawing a rockstar Snoopy on our entry door he's been acting strange.  I can't tell if he's laughing at me (an inside joke of some sort) or if he's crushing on me.  I don't feel like crush or flirt material (and I'm not interested anyway, I'm happily married) but it feels good to think someone might think I'm cute/cool despite all the rest.  It made me think about the time when I was my thinnest
I look at this now and I can believe I made it that far down the scale, and I had a ton more confidence and felt more attractive but still somehow felt invisible.  It made me realize that none of that outside attention matters, how I feel inside my skin is what matters.  When I feel good in my own skin, I don't care as much that someone does/doesn't notice me.  I felt good in this picture, at my 20 year class reunion with my bestie, proving to myself that I could do whatever I put my mind to.  I believed in myself without doubt.  That was the exhilarating key to my success.  I hope I can get back there sometime, no matter what I look like from the outside.  

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