Thursday, April 23, 2015

Pretty

Yesterday was different than the past couple weeks for me.  The day started good, I felt like I had a decent supply of energy, my hair turned out awesome and I was primed to rock out my Wednesday at work.  I had a lot of stuff to complete from a really busy day on Tuesday, so by the time I knew it, the labs were coming for pick ups and drop offs.  Joel had the day off.  I was a little disappointed not to see his smile, but I had a lot of work to do so I let it pass from my mind.  My lunch got delayed an hour due to some customers walking in just when I was about to punch out.  I don't have anyone trained in my position to cover my lunch, so nurses come to cover, just to answer general questions and direct traffic.  For lunch, I had a salad packed, with spinach, micro-greens, bell pepper, banana peppers, onions and feta cheese.  This combination has tasted so awesome that I have been eating it for the past 2 weeks almost.  The banana peppers are so tangy that I don't even need dressing.  But for some reason, my salad tasted "off" like something just wasn't fresh anymore.  I ate about half of the salad, and knew that I wouldn't be able to sustain that for long, so I had some salad from the prior day's catered lunch.  It was just OK, kind of limp and listless, just some lettuce, cheese and onions.  I wasn't able to eat much of that before I gave into the single-serve bag of kettle chips that came with the catered lunch.  Interesting to note, I didn't have any desire to eat the ginormous cookie that was still there.  The chips tasted pretty good, but not earth-shattering.  My knee-jerk reaction was to feel a little guilty that I'd allowed those junk carbs in, but I thought about Geneen Roth and how she says to use those situations to learn something about yourself.  I thought about why I ate those chips.  The two types of salad would have filled me enough to get me to my next meal.  The realization came in that what I was trying to hide, a whiny little voice in my head said, I just don't care anymore.  Joel doesn't seem interested in me like he was before. The second part of the exercise is to ask yourself what is beyond that emotional reaction; what you believe about yourself that drove you to seek comfort.  I'm not special or pretty to him anymore.  Maybe I'm just not special period.  Once I realized what it was, it almost made me laugh.  I don't really think that I am not special or pretty, I've actually been feeling quite attractive lately, but that is more of a psychological thing if you ask me.  So food took control for a minute, but I was able to use that to learn something about why I made that less healthy choice.  Later, when I got home from work, my energy level immediately plummeted to levels that only happen right before MD (monthly disaster) rears its ugly head.  I crashed so hard that I was nearly asleep in a chair within twenty minutes of being home.  And I had homework to get done.  I looked around my kitchen for something to eat, hoping I could force some energy into my brain, just enough for homework.  The only thing that sounded good was eggs.  Eggland's Best eggs have a thing over me right now, I am totally craving them.  But, my youngest son is really sensitive to the smell of eggs, and it wasn't a battle I felt motivated to have.  I ended up having tortilla chips with cheese melted on top.  And it was so good I ate two medium plates of it.  It gave me a quick boost of energy to get homework done, but I still fell asleep really early and slept really good all night.
Today I felt better, had more energy and a better mindset.  I think my body was craving the fats in part, I know blood sugars fluctuate around the start of MD, which can make us crave sweets, but having good fats helps stabilize the blood sugars and quell the sugar cravings.  Anyway, I did get to see Joel today, we talked briefly and smiled and blushed at each other.  I was in a good mood before I saw him, and even better after. Then a patient I was dreading seeing came in right before close.  He ordered glasses from me earlier in the week, and he was trying hard to flirt with me.  He's a nice guy, we talked a little bit about California (he's from Long Beach) and about animals (he works on the 'kill floor' at a local slaughterhouse).  He was feeling my new look and attitude and I could tell.  Tonight when he came in he was hinting that he was going to look me up when he gets back to California.  He also keeps telling me he is going to come buy some more glasses from me. He was trying to flirt again, and all I wanted to do is close up and go home.  The unwanted attention, I think, is due to all these changes I am making.  I finally have the haircut I've been trying to get, which makes me feel really pretty/cool and helps me have much more "good hair' days than I have in oh so long, the exercise I've been doing has helped me feel more confident, my clothes are telling my story, as far as the pounds starting to come off.  Even my skin looks better, and it wasn't bad to begin with.  I am smiling more and coming out of my shell more.  It makes me think about Geneen Roth again, and how she is encouraging people to live like they already have that which they think they desire.  For people trying to lose weight, live like you are already thin, don't deny yourself joy because of your outside.  I will admit, this is hard, even when I'm in a positive mindset, it takes work for someone who has felt "wrong" in so many ways to unapologetically say, I don't care if anyone else thinks I am pretty or doing things right or likes my hair or music or how I talk.  I know I am exactly right, right here in this moment, and no one can touch that!  I will never deny that outside feedback can get in my head, good or bad, but ultimately, I have a choice whether or not I believe what is being said to and about me.  Joel must have thought I am a knockout to smile at me that way and I am choosing to agree, and that has fueled me to keep doing things that make me feel like a knockout.  Danced for an hour on Tuesday, just in front of the mirror with giant headphones on, pretending I was celebrating life with friends.  Tonight I went for a decent walk, it felt good to get fresh air without feeling like I need to "clear my head".  Things are slowly making a positive slide back where I want to be.  Taking care of me, making my needs known and enjoying all I have right now.
Sorry for the book.  I guess I had a lot to say tonight.

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