Friday, January 14, 2011

Guilty Inspiration

I need to spend a little time talking about my husband, because I think he is amazing, and he has been a huge inspiration for me in my trials with my weight.
When I first moved to Green Bay, I had been single for several years, very introverted and trying to put on a tough facade by looking goth.  One Saturday night, a girlfriend from my hometown came to GB to visit me and we decided to go out to a nightclub that advertised they have artsy-fartsy preformers like beat poets and the like.  That night, there was a Hawaiian Reggae band playing, and the instant I laid eyes on him, it was over for me.  He was beauty and grace personified.  So, despite the irony between my appearance and the music being performed, I kept following his band, not certain if we would ever connect, but happy just to see him and hear the music.  After several months of watching him fend off herds of female admirers, we finally spoke.  It was awkward.  The man took my breath away, and I couldn't believe he was taking time out to talk to me.  Eventually, we ended up "hanging out" together, and gradually I won him over with my charm.   The rest, as they say, is history. 
What I find so amazing is that this beautiful creature, who could have any woman he chose, saw past the obesity and found me within.  Never once has he made a comment about my weight, even after he became absorbed in the body building and fitness industry.  He has shown me so much respect, whether I am trying to lose or in a self-indulgent stage, and he is very supportive when I am trying to lose, and gives great advice.  He started working out about a year into our knowing each other, which would've been 2002.  At the time, he was fairly thin from years of skateboarding and just genetically gifted with fast metabolism.  But he wanted to add muscle.  He approached this new interest the way he approaches everything in his life, giving it 500%.  Now he is using weights that could rival a heavy lifter!  He competed in his first body building show last spring and got second place in his weight class (middle weight) and he looked AMAZING!  His work ethic and determination have been a constant inspiration, not just to me, but to almost everyone he meets. 
What happened last night, was a little more personal inspiration.  He has been working hard to support us since I have been unemployed, and he gets up quite early for work.  After I picked up the kids from school, we came home to find him catching a cat nap.  I could tell he didn't feel good when he woke, we've all been trying to stave off some minor viruses lately, and he kept saying how exhasuted he felt.  But, he got up, stretched, and headed off to the gym.  Earlier in the day I had given myself a free pass from doing my workout because of some horrible stomach pain (hormonal, blech!).  Right before he left, he said his stomach was irritating him a bit too, but he said it kind of matter-of-factly and still went to do his workout.  I knew he would.  He needs to be just about on his deathbed to skip a workout, and even then, sometimes he'll still go, and just do a "light" workout.  His resolve is nearly unhuman!  So, after watching him head off to the gym, a little under the weather, I felt guilt creeping in.  Here he was, working all day in a physical job, then despite feeling less than great, still goes to the gym to work toward his goal.  All I had were some cramps and I was giving myself permission to take the day off.  So, I did my workout.  It was not a cakewalk, but I did it, and I felt really good after, and slept like a baby.  I told him that he inspired me and he answered by telling me how proud of me he is.  For me, it was a lesson in inspirations, and how guilt can be a great motivator.  I have always looked at my husband and marvelled at his work ethic/ discipline, but in the end it comes down to not giving yourself the option of doing things that go against your goals, particularily when you know one negative action will snowball into others, and provide disappointing results.  Lately I have been talking myself into doing the right thing because I know if I don't, I will slip right back to where I have always been, and I would be miserable.  This time around, I am proving to myself that I can do this.  As Henry Ford so elloquently put it, "Whether you think you can, or you  think you can't, you are right."  I am certain I can do this, and you can too, if you believe!

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