I have shoulders. Yeah, I've always had shoulders, but they were always round and fat, and stark-white from never seeing the light of day. I have always HATED how my shoulders look, and would be so jealous every time I would see someone in a cute strappy dress or tank top. Even some bigger women can pull it off. But I have never been able to pull that look off, my skin is too brutally white and I have so many stretch marks, and I have been so hung-up on that part of my body and the fat that lingers there. But today as I stood in the mirror I saw them. The start of the shoulders I have always wanted. I spent a good ten minutes trying on my strappy dress (from a summer wedding, and I did wear a cover-up over top for that event) and admiring the new reward for all my dedication and effort. And the best feeling washed over me. I felt so good about what I saw, that I knew if it was summer, I would have absolutely no qualms about walking around in public with these arms exposed. They are good enough to make me not hide in shame or be totally self-conscious the entire time. I realize I have a long way to go until I reach my goal, but this whole thing has taught me the very thing I was trying to convince myself I was already aware of. This is what they mean by that phrase, "The journey is the reward", this feeling right now. Not being at my goal, but on my way, and able to have pride in what I've done. What an overwhelming feeling! I am awesome! I am finally doing something I said I was going to do, and I'm not letting anything get in my way.
This is big, because a few days ago I was getting so frustrated by what the scale has been showing me, that I was thinking of throwing in the towel. I am not going down that easy, not this time. I will invest whatever amount of pain and time into this as it requires. But seeing the same few pounds go up and down, over and over is really frustrating. So when my husband and I were discussing the show Heavy last night, we were talking about the rate at which people lose weight, and why it can be so dramatically different between people. He confirmed what I was saying in an earlier blog, that the more obese/sedentary you've been, the more effort it takes to do things that could be done with little effort for people who are more fit. Your body learns to adapt to the level of fitness that you are at, so you have to keep shaking things up every few weeks, keep stepping up your game. Then I said, jokingly, that THAT must be the reason the scale isn't moving for me, because I am already so lean and fit! He looked me over and said, "I can see a huge difference in you!" That was the most uplifting thing to hear. While he had already told me how proud of me he is, he hadn't said that he noticed a change until last night, so it really made me feel phenomenal! I decided to sneak a peak at my measurements, just my hips and waist, the two biggest areas. There was significant change from Jan 1 measurements, and that just affirmed that I AM progressing in my endeavors, no matter what the flippin' scale says! Why we put so much stock in the scale is beyond me. Even though I have had this awesome experience, I will still have the gut instinct to want to weigh myself often. There is an obsession with our weight, but there is so much more that the stupid scale doesn't measure. Inches, for one. And how does one lose inches without losing weight? You put on lean muscle. That is why I can see my shoulders and quads starting to pop out, lean muscle mass is really effective at burning fat, so just by adding muscle, you are burning fat. Muscle, however, weighs more than fat, so the scale can be very deceptive. So, I am going to make an effort to ONLY weigh myself on Monday mornings. That will be hard for me, but if I ever want to check my progress, I can just look at my smile in the mirror.
Measurements coming in less than a week!