Thursday, January 6, 2011

Hanging On

The past two days I have found myself lacking my usual cheery optimism about my weight loss journey.  There are multiple reasons, including the fact that I am getting sick (and I rarely do, so I am am irritated) and that old hormonal reason creeping up ever so sneaky.  I am the kind of person who lets things compile when I am "in a mood", so every other event, no matter how insignificant, irritated me further.  Please forgive me while I vent!
In a city that is icy cold and covered in snow, it sure is difficult to find a good pair of snow pants for my boys.  I had been running around town for two days, going from thrift store to thrift store trying to find some at a good price.  No luck.  I finally had to settle for some at a popular discount retailer we all love to hate, but at least my kids finally have snow pants that aren't 2 sizes too small anymore. 
While I was in the process of seeking out said pants, I have had a few negative clothing experiences myself.  One came in the fashion of me buying a shirt I liked because of it's beautiful deep orange color.  I didn't try it on because I knew even if it didn't fit great right now, in a few months it would.  Plus, me being the thrifty shopper I am, it was only &2, and it was name brand!  It was a 1X, which I don't generally fit into too well, but my 3X wardrobe I have right now is too baggy.  When I got home and tried it on, it wasn't horrible, the front fit good, but the arms were too clingy near the shoulders for me.  I absolutely HATE my arms, and it is the part of me I will be most happy to be rid of.  That, coupled with the fact that the stinking scale hasn't moved much in the past couple weeks, had me a little down.  Then, after a full morning of rushing around, my sciatic nerve started to really irritate me.  I don't ever have issues with it, but for some reason it was really hurting me yesterday.  I had made a decision to skip my weight workout, sure that it would only complicate the issue.  I justified it further by the fact that stress and being sick were making me feel a little burnt out.  I was fighting with the idea of going to McDonald's to get a grilled Chicken Sandwich and large Diet Coke (no fries) and only eating one half of the wheat bun, but in the end, my level of exhaustion and bad mood made me decide against it.  That was a bit of a victory.  I ate a turkey burger loaded with veggies instead, and it was scrumptious!  Then, after the ibuprophen and relaxation had it's chance to set in, I felt loads better, and decided to rush through that weight workout before picking up the boys from school.  I really had to rush it, and change up my reps a bit, but the workout was great, and left me feeling a lot better.  The snow began while I was picking up my first son, and I was happy to be getting home before the roads got too slippery.  Later that evening, I let my family down when I ran out to get dryer sheets so we could do a load of laundry (and a few other things that the kids requested), and discovered at the checkout that I left my purse at home.  The roads were so slippery I had a challenge getting home safely, dispite it being only 2 blocks away.  I told my husband I didn't feel safe driving on it, and didn't want to go back.  He seemed irritated, but I later came up with a solution that satisfied us temporarily.  The irritation of my husband made me feel like a complete loser, among the other things I already feel that way about (particularily, not having a job).  He doesn't get irritated at me often, so when he does I take it pretty hard.  I think he was just "having a day' too. 
There was another clothing issue but I won't go into too much detail except to say a size 22 blazer was noticibly too large on me (sloppy) and a different brand size 18 wouldn't come close to buttoning.  How can we keep our heads on straight when sizes are so different from brand to brand?  I don't particularily need a blazer right now, but the one and only interview dress I own has seen its better days.  I left the store feeling irritated and questioning myself.  What am I doing wrong?  I feel like I am pretty much following things to a T, but this scale is just not budging.
Then, this morning I weighed myself (as I do every morning, despite the emotion rollercoaster it creates) and I was finally over that 180 business and back down to 179.  I smiled at myself in the mirror thinking, it's only Thursday, I have three more days before my official weigh-in, maybe I'll be down to 178 by then.  Thinking like that is dangerous.  Physically, 179 (or even 178 for that matter) is the same as 180, but mentally, 179 means I am going to reach my goal and 180 means I am going to have a worse struggle than I ever imagined.  One thing that I know is what the South Beach Diet is doing to my bloodwork, and that is the reason I began it so long ago, to impress my doctor with my triglycerides and prevent him from being stern with me.  When I am on this diet, my cholesterol and blood pressure numbers look the way they should for someone my age, and even younger.    So, even though I was trying to talk myself out of working out again today (justified by the head cold once again), I just shut that part out, laced up my shoes and did it before I had a chance to convince to myself that skipping was even an option.  Oh yeah, and I popped a caffeine pill a half hour before, when I was getting my second son ready for his bus, so by the time I got back inside, I felt alert and even energized. 
Next week, my husband begins the first phase of his diet for his body building contest in May.  I have planned to have a cheat meal on Saturday, but I might keep it pretty clean since I am finally seeing progress on the scale.  Whatever happens, I know that it is planned, and only one meal, and I will keep things under control. 
We all have off days, days when we feel drained or out of sync, but what I have discovered is that if I let myself off the hook because of it,  those feeling just continue and progress.  Making the choice to workout, especially when I really don't want to, makes me feel like I am defeating the ugly little beast that has been sabotaging me for so many years.  And while a workout doesn't fix all the things wrong about my day, it does help me to be less irritated by the little things that crop up, because in the back of my mind, I know I challenged myself and I didn't let myself down.  And that is priceless!

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