For the past two days the scale has read 170. After being stagnent around 179 for so so long, I am allowing myself to dream about the 160's. In my head, I can't even imagine being in that range. It has probably been close to 20 years since I've been that low. So there is a little disbelief involved, but one thing this journey is teaching me is that ANYTHING is possible!
I watched another episode of Heavy last night, and that is probably my favorite show on television right now. To see people who are morbidly obese really give it their all and drop massive amounts of weight through hard work, is maybe the most inspiring thing I could ever see. If they can do it, anyone can. It is about making up your mind that you are going to do it, continual focus on both immediate and long-term rewards, and for some, repeatedly talking yourself off the ledge. One thing that I think is brilliant about that show is that they make each person see a psychologist. You can talk yourself into trying to lose weight, but if you have a bunch of mental obstacles in your way, you will be fighting against yourself the entire time, and aren't likely to win the battles. Not everyone can afford a shrink, but I think that no matter where you are on your journey, healing old wounds needs to happen in order for you to be able to truly enjoy your successes. Putting on weight is a sign that we have stopped caring about ourselves, and we need to figure out what event or series of events led us down that road in order to turn oursleves back around. Until you heal those negative thoughts; the I can'ts, I'm not worthys, I don't care, I am less important than my (kids, spouse, parents) you will never be able to get to a healthy mental place. And without mental health, you are working way too hard to try and stay on a plan. No wonder so many people fail.
My husband and I talk about Heavy a lot. He has told me that Heavy made him realize that he was never meant to be a personal trainer, and that he would not be good at it. As a body builder, he had been obsessed with the fitness industry for years, and at one point nearly completed his certificate to become a personal trainer. He explained that the trainer on that show, David Richardson, is the epitome of what a personal trainer should be. I agree, he is understanding, inspiring, and firm, and when he sees someone working hard he celebrates with them. He is really something. My husband said that he wouldn't have the patience to deal with people who don't come to 'leave their guts on the ground', and would feel like they were wasting his time. I understand that to some degree, a lot of the women on that show do whine/cry a lot when they get started really pushing themselves. But, it takes someone who can kick their butts with compassion to motivate them to buck up and dig in. My husband is a unique breed of person, he has always had a hyperactive metabolism, grew up quite skinny. He sees the world in black and white. If he wants to achieve X result, he needs to do Y, end of story. No emotions involved, just do what it takes to get where you want to go. When he was 135 pounds and saw a photo of a muscular musician he admired, he decided he didn't want to be skinny anymore, and he never looked back. I always shook my head in disbelief at him, always unwavering, I couldn't believe it was just that simple for him, and have never met anyone with his resolve. For him it wasn't about trying, it was about doing, and not overthinking any of it. You'd think that being surrounded by someone like that would rub off on me, but not so. I am an emotional being. I don't just put the plan in my head and march forth, unwavering. There are a million thoughts and emotions attached to what I am doing. And, for those of us on the opposite end of the spectrum, who do have emotional attachments to food, or who use food to self-medicate, stepping into new territory, where we don't have our "blankies" is quite an emotional thing. He usually sees my point, even though he admits he doesn't fully understand what it feels like to think of food as anything other than a tool to achieving his desired result. I wish it was that easy for all of us. The industry has done a great job of making foods taste like a comforting hug. But, healing the things that are making us feel like we need that hug, instead of turning to food, is the way toward healing our entire selves, and turning our thoughts about food around. Of course my husband and I enjoy eating "special" foods, going to restaurants and especially enjoy food that is seasoned well. For me, it has a celebritory feel to it, to him it is a cheat meal that will rev up his metabloism. Enjoyable nonetheless. And since I have started healing things inside myself, I can enjoy a nice meal prepared by someone else, and still have my head in the right place when it comes time for my next clean meal. I feel really blessed that I don't have cravings and have been able to follow through with what I said I was going to do. It only took me 30 years to get to this point. Hopefully, through healthy lifestyle changes, I will enjoy 30 years more!