Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Right Time
My youngest son turned six today, I can't believe it's been six years. I made some sugar cookies, per his request, and frosted them with cream cheese frosting and decorated them with food coloring "pens". FYI, food coloring pens do not make your life easier, they are a pain in the behind and you will end up with multi-colored hands, hoping you don't get an interview in the next few days. I made the cookies after dinner, and I'd already had my workout taken care of, and my belly was full of spinach and tomato salad with ground turkey. The cookies smelled great while they were baking, but as soon as I took one in my hand to frost it, my hand got greasy. The grease from the cookie, combined with the smell of the frosting, made me fully aware of how my stomach felt last time I indulged (read, ate nearly all of ) those cookies in the past. I remember I felt like I was going to throw up, have a major intestinal war, or die. I actually shuddered at the smell of the cookies and frosting, and I wasn't tempted to eat any of it, not even a lick of my fingers. I kept thinking about my new dress, and how I want to be able to wear it next time my husband and I go out on the town, which may be around spring break time, about a month from now. That is a reasonable goal. So, in the battle between me and the nice-smelling cookies, I won without any competition. Easy.
Wow, only 157 days left until the close of the contest. I joined the Eat Clean Diet Makeover Challenge about halfway through the contest, and I haven't expected to win it, but it has given me a feasible goal to drive me and keep me focused. It has helped me feel I need to be accountable, because there is something to measure my progress by, a deadline to be watchful of. At times, when my resolve is threatening to slip, I remind myself that I sent my "before" photos to a group of people I don't know, and ask myself how I want my "after" photos to look. My whole life I have had issues with not following through on things I start. I get halfway through and realize that it's too hard and being lazy is soooo easy, and I quit. I have never been "the best" at something, never pushed myself to get great at anything other than my job. Let me tell you, I am an awesome optician. Who no one will hire. At any rate, this weight loss journey, this time, is about pushing myself to accept the fact that I am awesome at more than just selling people eye glasses. In the past, when I would listen to someone talk about following their dreams, I knew that, for most "normal-sized" people that meant being an actor or musician or being rich. For me, the dream was always to lose weight and be happy with my body, but I always looked at it as an impossible dream because I had tried so many times and failed. I felt I just didn't have it in me, and had resigned myself to being fat forever. Talk about a depressing way to live. Now I am learning, proving to myself, that I have the power to do whatever I set my mind to. And the difference this time is that I want my dream so much more than I want the things I have to sacrafice in order to acheive my goals. The truth is, many of the things I thought I wanted or thought would be so hard to give up, were just a result of my sugar addiction, a chemical reaction, and once I took care of those cravings, I don't really feel like I am sacrificing all that much, except sweat and depression. All my life I had known that I would eventually live healthy, I could see it in my mind, a different person, happy and fit. I kept telling myself and my husband that I KNEW I would do it someday, "when the time is right". And every time I made an attempt to start again, I made sure I was mentally ready to commit to the sacrafice. Most of the time I was just talking myself into being ready. I have had some good attempts, learned a lot from my successes and failures alike, and discovered that each time I try again, it gets a little easier. I imagine losing weight is like quitting smoking, those who succeed have had their share of failed attempts, but have learned from each experience. It's never too late for it to be "the right time". If you throw a noodle at the wall enough times, eventually it's going to stick. You will never know what you've got in you until you put youserlf out there. And if you fail, you will have a wealth of knowledge about what doesn't work for you. It truly is about the journey, about the stuff we're made of, and the fact that we have others to share with and learn from makes the journey all the sweeter.