Thursday, August 16, 2012

Grey Matter

Today is the first day in more than a week, that I woke feeling refreshed and energized, like the sleep I am getting is actually having an effect.  What a great feeling!  I am still fighting this cold, but I think I am on the mend. 
Since I began this program, I haven't been as pensive or emotional about my weight loss, I just went with the flow of the program.  But this little bit of downtime has given me a little time to pause and consider my journey.  It is such a mental thing, and with me it seems to be all-or-nothing, black and white.  I'm either all the way on-plan or I'm off.  The longer I am on this journey of learning and growing, the more that I realize that life is about finding the grey area.  There is so much in between black and white that we miss out on if we live an all-or-nothing kind of existence.  There is always a learning curve when we test out a new way of thinking, but in the end, whether something works for you or not, you always come away with more knowledge than you went in with. 
My body is changing.  My mind is trying to catch up.  While the past few days off of the gym were crucial for my body, my mind has been pouting like a spoiled brat.  In my mind's eye, I am getting mushy from not working out.  My mind is whining, I want to be better so I can go to the gym.  I feel like I'm losing ground.  There's only a few more weeks left that I'll be able to do evening workouts with my husband before school starts and I'm back to college.  But if I am to continue on this journey, I know I have to balance out the needs of my body and my mind.  Last night, as I was getting my kids to sleep, I laid on the floor and stretched a leg up toward the ceiling, and ran my hand along my muscles from the calf to the hip.  I was so stunned by how solid the muscle felt that I had to do it several times.  Now I know it doesn't look how it feels, but I like what I felt, strong and toned muscles.  I thought about how I've been so idiotic about the gym, pushing myself when I knew it would make me sick, because in my warped mind I felt like it would set me back or make me get mushy again.  The fear is driven from past failures, of times when I was doing great, but somehow dropped the ball, and not knowing what caused it.  There are so many failures, and so many triumphs, but I know now that nothing I do is beyond my control.  I failed because I allowed certain beliefs to become reality, because I stopped caring/trying.  Input didn't match the output.  There is no great mystery, you just keep working toward the goal, no matter the obstacle.  There are going to be days and weeks that don't go how we would like them to go, and there will be times we don't feel like pushing, but there will be many many times where we are in full realization of what we are doing and why, and times when we push ourselves to limits we never knew we could reach.  And, of course, there is a multitude of grey area in there, where we are pluggin along, doing our thing, working to make our lives make sense. 
When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw an oddly-shaped body of someone who used to be much fatter.  I didn't chose to focus on how far I've come or how far I have yet to go, but on this grey area I am in right now.  This is how I look right now.  So different than I've looked for so many years, good or bad.  I don't love or hate the way I look, I am just accepting my current reality and letting it settle in.  I am doing good things that will lead to great results, but right now I feel really content to both be less than I once was (physically) and more than I have been mentally, and still have some room for some really great things to come.  Living in the grey is just what I needed.  The rest will balance itself out in time.
Hope your week is shaping up nicely!

2 comments:

  1. The change in your attitude is noticeable in your writing. Your blogs are more frequent and have an upbeatness to them that some earlier ones lacked. Like you say, you are growing and learning and part of that is realising that you have to be realistic and not push yourself too hard. Your goal should be to maintain a healthy body.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So right, Tony! Learning comes from trying, and in the end, it doesn't matter how your body looks if it doesn't function properly.

      Delete