Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Drama-Holic

I didn't blog yesterday because the night seemed to slip through my hands like water.  I have started journaling so I don't feel like I have to rehash and agonize over the same thing over and over.  I was thinking about how this is supposed to be a weight blog, not a tell-all chronicling the drama in my life!  But drama and weight seem to be very interconnected in my life.  Yesterday I felt really good, really "on" .  My bestie and I were chatting online and she mentioned something about the next time I see Elliot.  It was like someone flipped a switch.  Just because he doesn't want to see me outside work doesn't mean I won't ever see him again.  It will be more awkward for him than me, because he didn't even respond, which is a little disrespectful if not disappointing.  I will show him that I'm still cool, won't even bring it up, I'll treat him like none of it happened so he can see I'm just a cool chick who wanted to hang.  I felt better about that and really wanted to go for a walk after work but I am having what I think is sciatica, it feels aweful like something is out of place and pinching the nerve because it needs to go back where it belongs.  I've had this before and it always goes away on its own, I just don't want to aggravate it anymore.  And of course it feels the worst when I walk.  
This morning I got up at 5am to see if I could walk, stretching and stretching hoping something would unlock what is jammed back there, I even looked up some yoga stretches and physical therapy moves.  It didn't work, still the aggravating sensation that has now settled around my tailbone.  Grrr!  I don't like feeling like I can't do something.  Especially when the weather was so perfect today.  I could feel my mood sink a little.  
There had been someone new picking up the jobs from Elliot's lab, it's crazy how many different people have been doing it.  I wonder if everyone knows.  I didn't do anything inappropriate but it still feels a little odd.  I started thinking back to how yesterday I was content at the thought that I might still get to see him from time to time but I realized today that he might not volunteer to do it anymore because he'll be uncomfortable seeing me.  It's gotta be OK.  I have come to the conclusion that if you have to force something or work that hard, maybe it's not right to begin with.  This whole thing started with me thinking he was interested in me when I felt really unattractive, and in the beginning I wasn't interested, but the longer it went on, the more I allowed myself to become intoxicated by the idea of him, and that's when's brain became scrambled!  
My tailbone still feels odd/irritating so I couldn't walk again tonight.  It's funny how a couple of days off can really put my self esteem in the dumps.  I was feeling fat and unattractive today and after a chaotic night of helping and doing for others, I needed to run to the store and it had been almost three hours since I ate, so I was starving. My son and I grabbed some essentials, then before leaving decided to get some pizza.  It was ultra thin mushroom and spinach with garlic and it was good.  I also ate a couple handfuls of chips and some watermelon.  All bets were off for that little bit of time and I found myself feeling bittersweet.  Yes, it felt liberating to eat without rules or limits, but at the same time there was something inside that knew I wasn't doing it out of need but out of hurt, and I thought to myself, how sad that I let someone else have this kind of power over me!  
I know that exercise has a very therapeutic effect on me and I need it now ore than ever to get me over this whole "Elliot" speedbump.  I really hope this sciatica kindly f#€+s off so I can move again without irritation.  I will have to get creative if it doesn't, but I already signed myself up for my work 5K next Wednesday.  My life is never lacking of some sort of drama.  Then again, who would want a life without it?

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