Monday, June 15, 2015

Moving Forward

Yesterday was a day that challenged me from beginning to end.  Because I'd had a few glasses of champagne The night before, I woke up at 5am and couldn't fall back asleep, so after wasting time on Facebook, I decided to go downtown and take a walk along the river.  The fog was so thick I couldn't see the other side, it felt so intimate and peaceful, especially watching pelicans gliding through the fog on the water.  I walked for an hour, assuming that if it takes me an hour to walk a 5K, walking for an hour should be about 3 miles.  A lot of stuff ran through my head, about Elliot and about the weekend, about my friends and my husband.  Now that the dust has settled I can say what I've been vaguely talking about.  On Friday, when I was conveniently not at work due to heading out of town to spend time with my bestie, I left a note for Elliot in the pickup basket for him.  I wrote his name on it so it wouldn't be mistakenly removed by my boss.  The note had a flier for a 5k walk that my work puts on where friends and family are encouraged to join in.  It's free and runs along the river path so it's a very pleasant walk.  I asked Elliot if he's not busy or creeped out that I crossed professional boundaries, if he wanted to meet me for a walk and talk.  I promised it was nothing creepy, and promised I would not make things weird if he wasn't interested.  I told him I would be out of town with limited cell reception and left me email as the easiest way to be reached.  No answer.  Nothing.  This is what I've been turning over in my mind all weekend.  There are a million hopeful excuses I could dream up as to why he couldn't/ wouldn't answer, but to save myself from the mental game I've been playing with myself, I have decided it is in my best interest to believe he thinks I want more than friendship and is not interested.  I have to move on from the whole thing.  Still, it's hard not to internalize that as rejection, and I found myself irritable and wanting to comfort with food yesterday.  Hormonal shifts did play a part in that too, I know whenever I get to the point of wanting to eat after I'm already full that hormones are at play, there's only a couple days a month when this happens to me.  Do yesterday I ate more junk (some handfuls of a few different kinds of chips) than I typically do, figuring today would be the day I turn things back around and climb back in the saddle.  This time for myself and not for some guy, known or unknown.  As I started out my walk today I immediately thought about the Elliot situation and it was tempting to make excuses and hope that there was still a chance he'd answer me but then I thought about the book I'm reading by the Dalai Lama.  It is about happiness and the things that keep us from it.  One of the things he says is that when we are attracted to someone, we tend to view them with all positive attributes.  It is a dangerous fantasy that ends in disappointment when we realize they are not indeed perfect.  This hit me in a tough spot.  I was thinking, how could I have misjudged him to be such a nice, respectful guy.  I would have thought he'd at least do me the courtesy of a reply, even if he's not interested.  Maybe he's not someone I need in my life if he's creeped out by a simple invitation to go for a walk.  Etc etc.  then I thought about another thing from the book where the Dalai Lama says in order to be happy we need to find the positive in things that anger or disappoint us.  My aim positive is that, if he would have been interested, and we became friends, there would have been some level of torture involved with knowing we could only be friends.  Now I don't have to deal with that or the awkward way it might have made my husband feel to know I'd made a new male friend.  Honestly, I didn't plan on hanging out with him, I did want to talk to him so in case he was interested, he'd know that I'm not available.  Anyway, as I thought about the positive things I am gaining from being disappointed, I sank into the Green Day playing in my ears and began to feel cool about who I am.  I am not shattered or bitter or hurt.  I am still me.  A short, Green Day-loving mom who still has what it takes to make people happy.  And in the process I am happy too.  I walked another 5K today, it is starting to feel like a normal distance to walk, and not a major feat.  I am still going to do my work 5k walk because I can.  I am doing this with or without Elliot because I'm going to keep moving forward, whoever is with me needs to jump on, who is not better get out of my way because nothing's going to stop me!  I feel liberated and powerful!  This is going to be the best summer yet!

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