Why did I do that?!
I did a thing I said I wasn't going to do yesterday. I was trying to find an outfit to wear to work, Fridays being a day we don't have to wear uniforms, and I feel like I am perpetually between sizes. Some shirts too baggy to highlight my curves, some too clingy, very few just right for my current shape. I chose an outfit of jeans and a sweater with zippers on it, which likely sounds less cool than it is. After getting my kids ready and on the bus, I came inside and looked at myself in the full length mirror and with frustration, went through and tried on all my outfits again. I chose a really earthy elephant skirt and black shirt. It frustrated me that I can't gauge what fits and will look good, that I have no idea where I am in this journey because I feel like I'm progressing nicely but when I try those clothes on, I'm expecting them to look better than they do. So I stepped on the scale, without stopping to question if it was worth it. Before it showed me the number I was hoping please be under 180. It was 183. I was immediately disappointed, then I talked myself off a ledge by thinking that's only a few pounds away from 179. I should have been reminding myself of how insignificant that number is to who I am as a person, and that this was not begun to look good for someone else, or get attention from guys, it was begun to feel better, and I do. I am not discounting the emotional journey I am on and how my changing body affects my mind, all of this gives me more opportunity to become more aware of the reasons why I do certain things.
Last night after work I got the grocery shopping done and when I got home my son was all excited that he won a Dairy Queen coupon from his school carnival and my husband had promised to bring him and his brother to use the coupon. I knew there would be nothing vegetarian I could eat there that would be worth it, do I stayed home by myself and cooked a black bean burger which I ate on one slice of bread with a whole bunch of veggies and condiments. It was an awesome mess. I found myself resorting to old ways of wanting to sneak "bad" food while everyone was away but I knew sweets were out of the question. I had a glass of wine and a snack package of some bacon cheeseburger flavored crackers. They tasted like Burger King, which was pretty tasty, but I found myself asking, what the hell am I doing?! I thought about hormonal shifts and it's true it could be a small factor, but I think it is more due to the number I saw on the scale, and being bored. I have been having a huge problem with boredom since my semester ended, which is very uncharacteristic of me. I used to be able to spend hours playing Angry Birds or reading and now I feel so restless. Part of it is Elliot, I admit. I feel a bit caged by the fact that I have no way to be in touch with him other than the chance few seconds a month he comes in, and I have been with a customer the past few times he's come. So much of my energy revolves around the situation that I feel like I need to make something happen. The plan is in place, next Friday could be a huge point of change for me. I won't extrapolate until I know what's going on, but one way or another it will change some things. And I will be out of town visiting my bestie for some much needed girl talk and laughs. Waiting is hard, and the unpredictability of the situation is simultaneously exciting and a little concerning, but I need to do something other than just wait and let my mind keep swirling. I know that sounds vague and I'll explain it all in due time. I am taking steps to stop chaining myself in many areas.
I have been reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and it is opening me up and having a profound impact on me. One of the parts that affected me a lot is when the co-author, and American psychiatrist, asks him if he ever gets lonely, on account of not having a wife. The Dalai Lama explains that everyone has a seed of perfection in them, and when he meets someone, even just a stranger on the street, that he immediately sees that perfection in them, and because he does not fear being disliked and is not emotionally attached to worrying about what others think of him, his warm compassionate heart finds a friend, a connection in every person he meets. He goes on to say how important it is to draw warmth from sharing human connections on a deeper level. It spoke to me. It feels strange to me to think about having a deep human connection to a man outside of my marriage, but I think that might be part of what is drawing me to Elliot. Not the wanting of inappropriate things, but the warmth of the human connection. There is warmth all around him and I feel like the connection is there for the taking. The glow between us may be innocent. I haven't made a new friend in a long time, not on the level that I think it could be if I am right about all of this. In our culture we immediately get suspicious of a married person making a friend with someone of the opposite sex, but I know it's possible to have a connection with someone and not cross boundaries.
At any rate, the book is helping me center more, and I feel more grounded than I did before I started it. I think it'll be a great Summer read that sticks with me for years to come.
Looking forward to time with my bestie next weekend, I really need a break from my own mind for a while!