Saturday, June 20, 2015

My Heart Hurts

I've been neglecting this blog lately, feeling like I have so much going on in my head that it simply won't spill onto the page neatly and not sure what is real and what is emotions/hormones.  I feel there is a simultaneous amount of nothing extraordinary happening, yet some major things happening all at once and it is making my head want to explode.  The sciatica or pinched nerve thing or IT band issue-whatever it is coincides with a snapping hip and it sucks because the only time my tailbone doesn't hurt is when my hip is really "loose" and popping/snapping like mad.  It feels so odd.  I tried exercises to strengthen my psoas and all it did was irritate my tailbone more.  I haven't walked for exercise since last Monday and I hate it.  It feels like all the beautiful weather is going to disappear and I am inside pouting and succumbing to apathy.  Oh, the familiar feeling of apathy, I have lived inside of it my whole life.  Whoa is me, I am such a victim to an almost unbearable life.  It's funny how perception changes so quickly.  I am not a victim.  I choose to act like one sometimes, because it is the easy way out, but doing so makes me miserable.  So why would I chose to live that way?
I did a few things at work yesterday to try to see if I could help my issue, tried some squats, some stretches, some hip-strengthening things.  It still felt like I was getting an electrical shock in the tailbone when I walk.  So last night I just got the groceries and came home, feeling sorry for myself.  I ate a mini bean burrito covered in cheese and some lime chips with lime-avocado salsa.  Yep, it was good.  And I felt myself slipping into a place I've been before, the F-it, I'll-start-eating-clean-again-on-Monday mode that excuses me from having to give a F about myself or how I'm destroying everything I worked for for the last 2 months.  I ate my meal and had a glass of my leftover champagne, and tried to numb myself by watching a funny movie before going to bed.  What am I trying to numb myself from?  Elliot came to mind, but I know Elliot isn't a surface thing.  I didn't even know the guy, really, there is something deeper there that I haven't put my finger on yet because there is so much else weighing on me right now.  I thought about my dad, and how so much of what I thought were "Mommy issues" for me truly ended up being "Daddy issues" when I examined them closer.  I almost lost him a few months ago and I have been feeling like I need to be closer to him and rebuild that relationship that I allowed to become estranged due to years of misunderstanding and misjudging him as a person.  But after today, I think I had my answer.
Today I saw my friend Lisa for the first time since she was diagnosed with terminal cancer in January.  I have been keeping my distance because I knew it would be hard for me to handle.  How do you handle being around someone who knows they are going to die in 6 months?  How do I do that?  I am not strong enough, that's how I felt.  How can I keep it together in front of her friends and our coworkers?  If I just keep my distance I won't realize how dear she holds our connection, how much she treasures the time we've spent and wants me to know that.  And I won't ache so bad when she stops being able to put on such a brave face for us and starts to really show signs of how fragile and sick she is.  And I won't crumble to pieces when she passes.  Apparently, there was a lot on my mind when I ate that junk, actually all week as I dealt with the other stuff, this was the one that was eating away at me.  How am I going to be strong when I don't feel like I am at all.  I haven't been exposed to death much and it bothers me so much.
When I arrived, she hugged me so hard and didn't let go for a while.  I know she needed it, but I think in some way, she knew I needed it too.  She did indeed have her brave face on, she looked so pretty and happy, she was joking sometimes, but she also shared that, no matter how much she feels like she's accepted it, it still sucks.  She is 45 and this is the last summer she will ever see.  Her husband was putting on a brave face too, but while she was outside talking with friends, I caught him watching her interact from the kitchen window and the look of sadness was unmistakable.  It was one of the saddest things I've accidentally witnessed and it will take me a while to get over it.  When we left, We told each other we'd get together for lunch soon and I will keep my promise if she's up to it.  And she invited me to her last famous Halloween party this fall, which I will make no matter what.  I know I'll see her again, and I know my heart will break all over again, but it isn't about me.
My heart was really heavy after the gathering, and I felt a huge lump in my throat as we drove the long ride home.  I began thinking about my family and  how I'll be moving more than 2,000 miles away from them in less than a year and right now they only live 90 miles away and I never make time for them.  My sister especially.  Her daughter is three and I've never seen her other than on Facebook.  I have held a lot of negativity against my family for things I felt they did or didn't do and it has only been recently that I have been able to work through some of those outdated feelings and see things from a fresh perspective.  Seeing Lisa today made me aware of how I want to reconnect with my family.  I am doing the same thing with my family as I was doing with Lisa, avoiding getting closer to them because I am afraid of how bad it will hurt when they pass.  I guess I have some separation issues/death issues that I need to look at and work through.
The positive of all this is that it is making me look at my relationships in my life.  I have spent most of  my life avoiding letting others get close to me and now I have a very small group of people around me, I am worried that they will all die off and leave me all alone.  It is not necessarily a rational fear, but fear seldom is rational.  Now that I recognize that I have been doing this and why, I want to strengthen the connections I do have, and build more.  That was what I was looking for from Elliot.  I want to befriend someone young and healthy who won't leave me.  It's absurd, I see that now, but it was driven by my fears.
When I got home I avoided going on Facebook for awhile, expecting that there would be pictures posted from the cook out for Lisa.  I wanted to escape thinking about it for a bit.  My husband and I talked about other stuff for a bit and once the house settled into our nightly "devices time", I finally went on Facebook.  I had a message waiting and it was from the last person I expected it from, my friend, Tim.  He is someone I worked with, hung out with and crushed hardcore on for 8 years before moving to Green Bay and falling in love with my husband.  I have considered him one of my good friends, even though we haven't kept in touch very much since I moved from my hometown in 2001.  I had asked if we could meet for coffee or a drink when I was in my hometown (visiting my bestie) last weekend, and mentioned that I would be returning in Fall and wanted to see him before I move again.  He is rarely ever on Facebook so I didn't expect him to see the message in time for my June visit.  I figured it would take a few months for him to notice the message.  He said that that sounded like a great time, to catch up over drinks, and that he hopes to see me again before I move.  Boy, did that message come at the right time!  I have been wanting to reconnect with him for some time, but didn't want either of our spouses to be uncomfortable with it.  But now that I am going through losing a dear friend, I need to tell him what he's meant to me, stop shying away from the closeness I have been avoiding.  The human connection makes life rich, and I don't want to miss out on it because I'm afraid to feel something.  I have been blessed to have the few dear friends that I do and I am going to pay more attention to nurturing the bonds I have been fortunate to have.
My contribution to myself today was a grueling strength workout, legs, hips, butt, shoulders, chest and triceps.  Normally I wouldn't hit all those muscles in one day, but I have missed a few workouts this week ( this would normally be 2 separate workouts) and I wanted to do something to make myself feel better before going to the cookout.  I felt strong for doing it and it helped my tailbone hurt a little less.  I am going to be hurting for days!  I am hoping I can get walking again tomorrow, Sunday mornings are my absolutely favorite for walks!  Wednesday I have my work 5K and I know I'll be thinking about Elliot again, but ever so slowly his affect on me is wearing off.  I have good things to focus on this fall, seeing old friends, celebrating favorite holidays with friends and relatives, and enjoying the rest of the time I have left in Wisconsin before moving to California!  I am enough on my own to be strong and make my health a priority.  I don't need some guy-a virtual stranger- whose actions I try to analyze, to dictate how I should feel about myself.  If he was crushing on me I say, good!  He should crush on me.  I have a lot to offer.  If he wasn't I say, oh well, he just doesn't know how awesome I am because his mind is not mature enough to realize a great human being when he sees one.  Either way, deep down, it doesn't change who I am.
Sorry this is so long.  I really needed to get that all out!  

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