Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Taking Care of Me

I didn't post yesterday because I was suffering with what I am always suffering with, restless thinking and waiting for things that may not come.  I am still on track- it feels effortless right now, food is just a tool and walking is absolutely necessary to keep my mind sane!
I know I let the Elliot thing take over this blog for a while, it is really helpful to blog about it, if nothing else to organize my thoughts.  There are so many reasons why it affects me the way it does, stemming from a lot of the same things that I had/have to get past with comfort eating, and I am torn right now because I know I can be his friend and leave it at that, but it will take me getting to talk to him.  If he is crushing on me I have to put an end to it by letting him know I'm married.  That will help my own mind calm down a little.  I have a plan in the works for later this month, so I'll see how that goes.
My walks have been really awesome.  I feel like I can go farther and faster than when I got back into it, and seem to recover decently.  I lost so much strength in my glutes and legs that walking that fast and far is actually quite a workout.  But I am planning on walking a 5K for work in the end of June, so I want to make sure I'm ready.  My pace, if my plan goes as I am hoping, will be slower than usual but for good cause.  More on that as it develops.
Tonight I was determined to get a new pair of walking shoes so I have time to break them in before the 5K, and after an hour of searching and searching I finally chose a pair.  I don't love them, but they are better than my old worn out Nikes I've been wearing.  When I got them home I realized that I grabbed the wrong box and the shoes are way too big!  Boo.  So now I'll have to go exchange them tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll find a shoe I like better too.  I was looking forward to wearing new shoes for my walk tonight, but I didn't let that stop me.  I laced up, put some Green Day in my ears and walked faster and harder than I have in a good long time.  At one point I felt like I was running, NO, gliding my movements were so automatic and smooth.  It was a cool feeling.  For the past couple months, when I walk I always look at the cars going by, somehow hoping that Elliot will be in one of them, it detracts from the walk a little bit.  Tonight I didn't bother with any of that.  The sky was so amazing, the sun masked by seemingly iridescent clouds, and birds of all sorts drifting around.  The smell of the greenery all around was intoxicating, a mix of summer berries and fresh cut grass.  I absorbed everything I could out of the plush landscape and it felt majestic.  Now that's how a walk should feel!
I haven't done any more strength training yet this week, I want to get better at that.  Once the kids are out of school I might start going to the gym in the mornings again.  I say that now, but when the alarm clock goes off at 4:30 am it might be a different story. It will all come together!
I have been tempted to weigh myself, I am a little fency about it.  I am curious to see where I am at, but at the same time,  I feel like I've lost a good amount but if the scale shows me that I haven't lost much it will affect my mood/how I feel a little.  It matters, but it really doesn't.  I am seeing collarbone showing again, and shoulders are reappearing.  That is this weeks return on my investment.  I like how I am feeling, the results are starting to show, who needs an arbitrary number from a scale?  I will weigh at some point, and really anything less than what I started at is progress, so I won't let any number affect me more than it should.  For now, I am going to keep doing what I'm doing because it feels right and makes sense.  That's how taking care of yourself is supposed to feel.

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