I feel like a broken record sometimes. Good night of sleep, bad night of sleep, good night of sleep...last night was kind of a bad night, so I am due a good night tonight. I usually have a couple restless nights during the week of my Monthly Disaster, so I'm not too concerned with it, but I know my eating has been a little off-schedule lately too. Since my walks have become longer, I find myself eating at 8pm and going to bed by ten. My stomach usually wakes me by 11pm, it is on a food schedule these days! That is a good thing for sure, it means my metabolism is revved up and talking care of things even when I'm sleeping, but the loss of sleep is getting a little old. I had to get up to have a snack twice last night and had a hard time falling back asleep each time. Tonight I am better prepared with some cottage cheese dished and ready in the fridge so I don't have to stress out over noisy string cheese packages or trying to find dishes in the dark. Hopefully it'll be more effective.
I didn't work out this morning, though I was planning to do a back and bicep workout. When I got up I was so drained and my backbone was a little sore so I was lazy this morning. Work went fairly smoothly today, and I felt good in general. It is getting easier to stay on a schedule for eating because my stomach is a lot better at alerting me than it used to be. My hunger pangs show up every 2 1/2 to 3 hours, it is rare that I can go longer than that without a growling stomach, unless I am eating less clean. I am in a good place where just the thought of eating greasy, sugary junk makes me feel disgusted, which is good. Isn't the human body amazing that way?! I didn't have energy until I started burning energy, and I didn't really prefer clean food over junk food until I cleaned up my diet. It reminds me of the whole, "If you build it they will come" philosophy. If you make an effort your body will respond in ways that make it easier for you to keep making an effort. Here is a pretty big lesson I am learning this time around that I never made the connection with before: if I don't work out, I am way more open to the idea of eating whatever without regard. That doesn't mean I eat that way, but I will let the thought cross my mind, whereas after a workout, whether I just got done or it was hours ago, my body feels clean and light and the last thing I want to do is make it feel heavy with some junk. I will need to keep more aware of this.
I was really tired when I got home from work and didn't feel like working out in the least, but it is such a beautiful day that I didn't want to pass it up. Besides, I wanted to clear my head a little, I've had a hard time not thinking about Elliot lately since the walk he won't be going on with me is tomorrow. It's natural that it reminds me of what happened (or, more fittingly, what didn't happen). My husband decided to come with me at the last minute. My tailbone was irritated the first half of the 3 miles, but by the time we turned around and headed home it was feeling better. I did take ibuprofen before walking again, just to help. We talked a lot about self image, weight loss, self esteem, and all of the pros and cons that come with it. I felt like he was trying to lecture me at times, saying how beauty is so subjective and transient. Yes, but that is not the only reason I workout. I workout to prove to myself that I can do things I didn't think I could do, to push myself, to regain strength, to keep my mind in a strong place, and yes, to feel more attractive. He was focusing on the girls who post a million selfies under the guise of something, just to show off their cleavage to get attention from guys. I get it, it makes me roll my eyes when I see that too. But we as a society have stressed the importance of beauty, it makes a difference how we are treated by others and how we feel about ourselves. His argument is that if people read about more worldly, amazing things they would see how small these issues are. I can kind of see his point, it is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but exercise and nutrition do more than just make us feel pretty, they stir the human spirit. Setting a goal and working toward it, figuring out why my mind does things I don't understand sometimes, and feeling vital are just some of the awesome things I am gaining. I know part of his thinking was based on how I told him I was getting attention from other men and not him. And I know his reaction to it is not one of compassion and understanding because he probably thinks there is a chance I will turn into one of those needy girls who leaves him for the first guy to pay attention to me. Worse, if he thinks that is my goal in exercising, who does he take me to be? At any rate, I was saying how odd it feels to think of myself outliving the 3 people I consider my close friends in life and when he asked who I mentioned my friend Tim and I wasn't expecting the dramatic reaction to that, but it made me aware that he still has concern over my having anything to do with Tim. He is someone who will always mean a lot to me as a friend, and my husband will have to get used to the fact that adult men and women can indeed be friends without hidden agendas. I don't look at Tim the way I used to nor want him that way, it is hard to convince him of and I understand that. But I haven't seen Tim in more than 10 years, and my trip home in fall will likely be the last time I do unless by some chance I happen to see him when we come home to visit friends and family. At any rate, I will be upfront with my husband and tell him when I go visit that my bestie and I will be meeting up with Tim for coffee or drinks, in public, and that will be that.
Anyway, the walk made me feel really good afterword, and I ate a hot, clean meal afterword to help me toward a more restful night of sleep. Tomorrow's my work 5K and other than the blister on the bottom of my foot, I feel ready to kick butt! This has been an awesome summer so far, and the best part about it is, a few months ago I was struggling to walk across the room without knee pain, now I am walking 5K's like it is nothing! I feel powerful and alive! I wish I could bottle it and ship it out, but the only way to get this feeling is to get started, take the steps and let your body help you make things easier and fun. Life's an amazing journey!