I said there might be news to share by tonight and unfortunately there is none, which could be an answer in itself. I won't extrapolate unless there is a reason to, I'll just chalk it up to my assumptions and expectations being a product of my active imagination and when we make assumptions about people's character without knowing them well it can lead to disappointments we are blindsided by. I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me during my time with my friend, but I realize that I set my plan into motion and expected something to happen, good or bad, and absolutely nothing happened. Crickets. So instead of best-case-scenario positive thinking I have decided to let it go for now. The non-answer is the answer I am getting. It'll all make sense at some point.
During my overnight visit, my bestie and I fit as much as we could into what time we had. We drove around so I could see my hometown again, there were parts near the neighborhood where I grew up that still looked warmingly familiar. It gave me a real nostalgically peaceful feeling. We ate lunch at a place we used to frequent when I lived there, it was truly a cheat meal for me, thick noodles with sauce, veggies and tofu. I had to box some to go, but it was good. We did a little thrift shopping, I found a couple shirts, which was a good feeling. Then we checked into an upscale inn right in the heart of downtown. It was pretty swank, with marble and all. We were lucky to get a room there without a reservation, it was centrally located by everything. We spent some time in the room then had some sushi and margaritas for dinner before getting gussied up and hitting a popular Irish pub for a few drinks. It turns out there was a band, and we had a great time. I admit, I was thinking about my anticipated message, but after I realized it wasn't likely to come, I put it out of my mind and gave myself permission to enjoy the memories I was making with my friend. It has been so long since I've seen a live band, and I could have stayed all night. It reminds me of how my husband and I met, he was in a band and I happened to walk into the club where he was playing and he took my breath away. My friend and I traveled all over to see/follow/support them, until I was able to make my husband fall for me. As I was watching this unknown band (they were good) I was aware of how lucky I am. I felt like I looked really good but I wasn't even concerned with getting attention, I was just finally in the moment and trying to capture the colors of the stage lights in my memory, and the way they lit the scene, giving sound and vision layers of depth that make reality seem like a warm, happy dream. There may have been a few drinks involved. Just being out, being free felt like being young and vital again.
My disappointment reappeared today, as I dropped my friend off and headed home. It's a 1 1/2 hour drive and I was thinking of the situation and wondering how I could have misread things so badly and I vowed to try and be more level-headed about things in the future. The closer I got to home, I began thinking about my family and how good it would be to see everyone and maybe have a nice dinner together. It felt good to be with my family again, felt really warm and good to be where I belong. My husband and I had a nice, quiet dinner together at one of our favorite restaurants and took a short drive. All in all, my life is pretty outstanding. I feel really lucky to have these guys in my life, we are on each other's wavelength and happy to be there. That's the real stuff that makes life richer, not shallow attraction or fleeting attention that feeds the ego. My head is back to a sensible place and now I need to be remember the lesson I learned from all of this. I am awesome because I am awesome, not because someone else thinks so. I may be an old dog but I'm still learning!