Questioning and Awareness

Wow my work 5K was 5 days ago and that's the last time I posted on this blog.  Usually that means I've either fallen off the wagon or started school, but neither are true, thankfully!  I have just been in my head, caught between many different emotions all at once it seems, and maybe that kind of stuff isn't meant for this blog. I have been journaling on a private blog and it is helpful in sorting out my thoughts.  

I had a longer weekend, and Not much of it was very productive as far as housework goes!  I spent time at some caves with hotel ruins that looked like a castle on Saturday 

It was a ton of walking, after I'd just finished a 3 mile walk beforehand, and it was so bloody hot out that I think I drank two gallons of water on my own that night.  We had sushi afterwards so that made it feel extra special!  

I didn't work out at all on Sunday, which was a bittersweet feeling but against my First instinct I decided to go for a drive with my husband.  The only reason I was reluctant is because with him it's never just a drive to a destination and then home, it always ends up being a whole day thing.  But we had a good time together, we went browsing antique shops on the peninsula near our town, spent some time looking at the bay, and had a pleasant patio dinner at a charming restaurant.  My kids didn't feel like coming, so it felt like a date.  I was exhausted from everything and fell asleep early.  

Today I had to force myself to work out.  It was strength training day and I just  have a mental aversion to it that I need to get over.  I trained shoulders, chest and triceps and I wanted to throw the towel in  halfway through my workout when my arms started getting shakey.  I don't know if I'll ever enjoy that feeling, it reminds me of being really sick.  I think my iron is low again, I've been pale and tired a lot, so I'll have to schedule my yearly physical soon to have all my blood work done.  

Before I worked out today I was trying to decide what to do, go for a walk, weight train or skip it altogether and enjoy what little free time/me time I get before my world gets crazy again when the kids and I go back to school.  Mindset is so crucial.  I could feel myself starting to sink back into that place where I question why I do any of this, who it is for and why it matters.  That is an excuse to not care in disguise, I found that out today as I was trying to decide whether or not to even work out at all.  I could feel myself thinking about there not being an Elliot to impress or affect anymore and my husband apparently doesn't care one way or another because he keeps telling me how one shouldn't attach themselves emotionally to how they look.  And when I really thought of how I was trying to get out of putting effort in just because there wasn't a guy behind/motivating me, I felt disappointed that I let these times make me feel weak and unimportant instead of using that energy to make me push harder.  I have work to do, especially in regards to men and the attention they do or don't give me.  I suspect it may be Daddy issues that are manifesting as "men" issues and attention issues.  It requires a level of introspection that I don't have the energy for at the moment, but knowing it is an issue is a great place to start.  Buddhism teaches us that as a human being, you are already complete, a universe unto yourself.  I need to start believing that I am reason enough, worthy enough to make the effort, and great enough to command the space of my vast, personal universe!  Everyone else in my life is a bonus and a blessing.  And those who choose not to be in my life are a blessing too because they make room for my universe to expand.  

I'm glad I didn't let myself down today.  It isn't as much about shrinking my body as it is about helping my mind grow.  I will not be happy no matter what size I am if I cannot find happiness at any size.  If my mind is constantly thinking about external things I will put my entire value as a human being into the way my exterior changes.  A house does lose its purpose because it is painted a different color, so why should the value of myself change because of how I look?  In the end, Geneen Roth has been right about so many things.  Questioning and awareness are the best ways to conquer auto-pilot actions.  If you feel like giving up on making your body healthy, investigate why you are trying to let yourself off the hook.  Questioning and awareness saved me today.  I'm sure it won't be the last time.