Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Balance

Today I am thinking about balance, and how it seems so fleeting.  If I take a little "me" time to stay up and watch a movie after everyone's in bed, I pay for it the next day, mentally and physically.  If I take time to rest my body and muscles, then the house suffers.  Sometimes the perpetual flow of tasks seems too much, never mind preparing healthy meals and finding time to workout.  Don't get me wrong, I am staying on track with my diet and exercise, but I can see how people derail.  I'm not even working right now, there are people who handle so much more than me, with grace.  When I was working, my house was rarely ever clean.  The only time it was acceptable was when we knew company was coming.  My philosophy was always to spend my time enjoying my children, they were more important to me than having a clean house.   But, we all feel happier when the house is clean.  Now that I'm not working, I am stuck in this place of knowing I have a bunch of time to get stuff done every day, but I'm always torn between what things to get done, and a lot of time, one thing depends on the other.  How does anyone hold it all together on a daily basis?  I envy those people who have so much energy they work their full time job, pick up the dry-cleaing, drive the kids to soccer practice, hit the grocery store, cook a healthy homecooked meal, which they all eat together at a beautifully set table, help the kids with their homework, baths, and put the kids to bed, then they spend an hour or two cleaning their house before settling into bed to read a chapter or two before a few hours of sleep separates the beginning of another crazy day.  I am not a Type A personality by any means!  And that kind of jam-packed day isn't my idea of perfection, but I see some people doing it and holding it together so well.  Or maybe, that is just my perception of their lives.
One time a coworker told me she is so jealous of the life I have, the great relationship I have with my husband, my adorable kids, even my vehicle.  That was the perception she had of me.  In reality, I was struggling to pay for that vehicle (and still struggle),  my husband and I have had our "moments", and raising two Autistic children is more challenging than she could ever realize.  In return I was envying some of the aspects of her life, she is the fittest person I know, running marathon after marathon, is adorable and charismatic, and so upbeat and outgoing.  So, perception is a silly thing.  Life doesn't come pre-packaged, all simple and neat.  How many times have you looked at someone and envied them for the simple fact that they don't have a weight issue.  Being able to sit in a chair without worrying if they'll fit, or if the chair would break, being able to cross their legs without even thinking about it, even to have a pair of jeans that fit good without cutting off circulation or respiration.  But, skinny (or even "normal") doesn't mean they have a perfect life.  I used to fantasize about moving away, or more appropriately, running away from my life.  (This was when I was single).  It felt so good to think about being on my own, starting fresh somewhere else.  Then someone reminded me, that everything I was running away from would follow me.  My bills, my bad decisions, even my fat.  That really made me think.  The only way to get rid of something you aren't happy with, is to face it and make a solid effort to fix it.  And with weight, it needs to be a daily thing that you face the ugly.  If you don't know what you're enemy is, you will never be successful in conquering it.  The journey to fix the outside is tremendous, the journey to heal the inside is vital.  When I am fit, I will still have all my other problems waiting for me to deal with, my children will still be Autistic, and I will still be struggling to pay off my vehicle.  I am reminding myself everyday of that.  So instead of weight loss being this year's resolution, I am going to resolve to find balance in my life.  To know that, it's OK to let the house get away on me if I need a peaceful soak in the tub, or to take the trash out tomorrow so that I can play one extra board game with my kids, or to get up an hour early in order to have time to reach my goal of better health.  There are millions of compromises we make everyday, the balance comes in whether or not our choices make us happy. 

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