Thursday, December 23, 2010

Denial

I have been (*) since I was 8.  The * is because I don't know what is politically correct.  Weight-challenged?  I have been fat since I was 8,(there, I said it) or at least that is the age I have a photo of myself at the swimming pool, and I can see that notorious roll in my lower abdomen.  So, as I near my 38th birthday this month, it's safe to say I've had some time to deal with the fact that I am fat.  I have read a bunch of blogs of people who have lost weight and still have a "fat voice" telling them they are garbage and feeding them with self doubts, but don't all people, reguardless of their weight, have self-doubt?  Part of me is a little puzzled about myself.  Yes, I am losing weight and I know that I can reach my goal if I stay on this path, but I don't want to reach my goal and still feel like a loser inside.  Then again, I have this gift for denial and dilusion, telling myself I am smart, rebellious, and witty, and I can really pour it on when there is an attractive (read normal-sized) girl in front of myself, especially when my husband is witnessing her as well.  Now, my husband is a rare breed, who makes sure I know that he isn't attracted to airheaded chicks who cake on so much makeup because inside they are so hung up on their looks that their ego will shatter if someone doesn't drool over them.  Still, in the private chambers of my mind, I wonder if he secretly wishes he could be with someone like that.  Even when I am in the presence of children, I see how they have a preference toward more attractive adults, which generally leaves me a little on the fringe, even though I am pretty good with kids if I say so myself.  There will always be doubts in your mind, one can only hope they lessen once you feel better about your body.  I have always been complimented (by acquaintences and strangers alike) on my face or features of.  When I wore contact lenses, people always commented on my gorgeous brown eyes.  I have also gotten many compliments on my lips/smile. And most outrageous, once when I had dreadlocks down my back, someone told me I look a lot like Julia Roberst when I smile.  What a compliment!   I do feel like, in general, I have an attractive face.  So, that gives me a little edge over my self-defication when I feel it creeping up.  But since I have been "on track", I don't generally hear the negative voices.  I feel really strong, mentally and physically.  I can't imagine feeling anything other than that once I reach my goal.  But, if I feel that way when I have healed the outside, I will refer back to a line from one from my favorite band, Green Day:  "She figure out all her doubts were someone else's point of view."  And I will try to not assume that people are thinking the worst of me, and will not let myself doso either.

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