Judgements and Assumptions

I have been thinking a lot about judgements and assumptions.  We have all fallen victim to these horrible beasts, but haven't we also been guilty of them as well?  I know I have.  For more than just weight issues, I have really low self esteem.  I was the girl who developed breasts first in my class, had my period first, and because I was ashamed of my breasts, developed posture so horrible that I was made example of in health class.  I always felt unattractive, unfeminine, ungraceful, unneccessary.  And because I grew up in the shadow of a beautiful, popular older sister who got good grades and had lots of friends, I always felt not good enough.   The ugly manifests itself internally by way of me making harsh assumptions and judgements on the majority of people I come into to contact with, either in person or even on TV.  If I see a beautiful girl on TV and she's acting dumb, I make a smart-ass comment.  If I see a smart, geeky girl, I comment.  What am I getting out of this?  Confirmation that I am good enough to have certain good things in my life?  Namely, my husband, whom I have always considered out of my league.   I have overcome some of those feelings, by way of the attitude of others, namely my favorite band, Green Day,or changing my looks, putting on a tough, goth/punk facade and talking tough, even just in joking.  Most people who meet me tell me I am quiet and laid back, but I am a wreck inside.  I feel like I am constantly 'journaling' in my head.  I don't think I'm quiet, I have a quiet voice, I consider myself an observer.  And usually when I observe, I am making assumptions and judgements, which sometimes come of as synical.  These nasty little truths have gotten my into awkward situations, so I am careful about which thoughts I share.  My low self esteem leads me to assume the worst in everyone, but also form assumptions and misconceptions about how perfect other people's lives are. 
As an example, this was what transpired on Saturday, while my husband and I were watching TV together.  A Victoria's Secret commercial came on, some fantastic sale they were having.  I immediately felt ugly and assumed that my husband was probably drooling on the inside, even though he tells me he is so desensitized to seeing all that stuff.  My reaction to my assumption was to put the commercial/company down.  I sarcastically said that they were marketing that commercial for women, and I bet lots of women were super excited.  Though he agreed that those commercials are marketed toward men, he said he has known people who shop there for themselves.  I said yeah, girls who already look like that probably enjoy shopping there, but even when I was much thinner than I am now, they didn't have my size.  I was referring to when my friend got married in 1999, we went into a Victoria's Secret store in the smallest midwest town and there wasn't a thing that would have fit me there, not that I was looking for any, but I did buy some nice perfume, which is why fat girls go to Victoria's Secret, right?  I felt the negativity seeping out of me as we discussed it, and in the end I told him that I know girls who don't look like the models shop there, girls who society would consider of 'normal' weight, and I'm sure it does make them feel good, but at those prices, it better be a special event.  Even though I was trying to convey a positive spin, I still said something negative because my experience all those years ago hurt me.  It wasn't their fault I was so fat, but I turned it into that.  And, I have since received their ads from time to time and they do offer extended sizes in most of their goods, I was just looking for something to complain about.  The thing is, being negative doesn't make me feel good.  It makes me feel like my husband will get sick of my horrible attitude and leave me for a positive person.  There have been times when I am so 'on-track' with my diet and exercise and I just talk confidently and positively, sometimes joking, and THAT makes me feel good.  When I say to my husband, "Next year, I'm going to be on the cover of Oxygen, cuz I am going to shrink so fast it'll make your eyes spin!"  we both know I am joking, and that's not even a goal of mine, but it makes me feel good.  So for me, being positive starts within.  When I feel horrible about my body, Iproject that negativity onto everyone else.  When I feel good about myself, I can accept that I am not the most beautiful creature on earth, but that's OK because I am pretty awesome.  Some things we can control and some things not.  I want to make an effort to slough off the negativity that comes with being unhappy with my body.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the patterns of self-disgust and shame, that we forget to be amazed by ourselves when we do something positive.  At one of my job interviews last week, I was asked what I am most proud of and it threw me for a curve.  What am I proud of?  It's an important question because, as much as we think about what we want to accomplish, and dreaming is certainly important, I think it is equally important to think about what we've already done or committed to doing that makes us proud.
Knowing where my negative judgements and assumptions about others stem from gives me a little insight into the people who judge me negatively.  It doesn't take the sting out of it when someone looks me up and down with their eyes, but at least I know that it means there is an ugly little 'unhappy' living inside their judgements as well.  At least, that is what I am assuming.


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