Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Just Breathe!

Today has been one of those days where I can't seem to catch my breath!  Right after getting the kids on their busses, I went to work on my To Do list, and haven't stopped since.  With Winter in full swing, I am finally getting around to all the chores I now realize I would have been wize to do in nicer weather.  But, the garage is clean, the sandbox put away, all the toys and clothes I have been saying I would donate (for the last 1 1/2 years) are finally donated, not to mention shooting across town to the pet store for mouse chow, and the last minute stop at the grocery store.  This is my moment to breathe, while my chicken breast marinates, and I am enjoying a cup of Celestial Seasonings Madagascar Vanilla Red tea while the only sound permeating the silence is the clicking of my keyboard.  Silence is gorgeous!  Less than an hour until I pick up the kids, so I am enjoying this while I can!
My energy levels have felt depleted this week, and I feel myself licking my lips for the weekend as if it were candy.  Not that the weekends are that much saner, just get to stay in bed a few moments longer and not rush to get kids ready.  And, a little time with my husband is nice.  With my energy levels being so lacking, I am proud that I have been able to stay on track with my diet and exercise.  The weight-based workout makes me feel so good during and right after, but I do get a little stiff/sore from it afterwords.  My husband said that will pass, once my muscles are used to being worked again.  I think my lack of energy is hormonal, but I am just pushing through it, or else I'd never get anything done!  The old me would've procrastinated, that's how all those chores got on my To Do list in the first place! 
With Christmas approaching, my thoughts have been turning to family, and some really great memories have come back to me, not neccessarily having anything to do with Christmas, and some really scarring memories came back to me as well.  There is a memory that I have involving my mother that has hurt me so much, I am ashamed to admit it, but I still harbor bad feelings about it 26 years later.  Maybe the best way to heal these scars is to share.  I was 12, and as mentioned in previous blog, had already developed breasts.  It was summer and I had gone to my mom's room to talk to her.  She was laying in bed, reading and looked at me and said, "Look at those legs!  I don't know what we're gonna do with you, girl!"  Yeah, my thighs were thick, mostly with muscle, but that was the early 80's, there was no such thing as muscle, you were either Twiggy or you were fat.  That comment, coming from someone who made me feel such comfort and security,  in an instant made me feel like everything about me was wrong.  I was ashamed of myself, my body, even more than I already was because now not only was I developing faster than other girls, but I was also hideous and had thunder thighs.  I began dieting at the age of 13, and I bought into every horrible thing every teen magazine was telling me about my body.  So began a nearly 30 year battle for self.  When you lose weight, it is all for nothing if you don't find yourself.  Living in shame and regret doesn't slip away with the pounds, you have to heal the inside too.  One of the only times I saw the show "Dharma and Greg" Dharma, who was charming in her earthy, positive way, was teaching someone how to release the negative energy by imagining each exhale, you captured a negative thought or feeling in a bubble and then you just close your eyes and blow it away.  Sometimes I wish it were that easy.  Maybe it is that easy.  Maybe all we have to do is capture those horrible feelings and decide to let them go.  I forgive my mother for the comment she made, she had no idea it would affect me the way it has, and it wasn't her fault I let it eat me away for so long.  Who among us would want to be held accountable for everything we've ever said?  I think this time around I am going to let go of some of my emotional baggage.  I am probably about halfway through this life, I want to live the rest of it able to find joy.  Even if I never lose weight.

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