Saturday, May 23, 2015

Balance and Peace

I think it is pretty much official that the Elliot chapter of my life has come to an end.  I didn't see him all week, so it is pretty much the end of him doing the deliveries and pick ups.  A huge part of me is whining, and hoping I'll bump into him out and about sometime, and still hoping that maybe he'll do the deliveries on the girl's day off.  But, the realistic side of me knows that it is foolish to continue to chase the idea of affecting him and allowing him to affect me.  Longing for positive attention from others is a sure fire way to end up with damaged self esteem.  Or, at very least, a measure of already-low self esteem.  So now I am left with me and my reality, and trying to make sense of what it was, what it is now, and what it all meant.  And, most importantly, moving on so that the past doesn't continue to affect me.  I have put off meditation while this whole thing was going on because I didn't want to know what it mean and why I was doing it because it was elevating my mood and ego.  But now that there is distance between myself and the situation, I think I need to get some clarity from it.
My husband and I had a chance to have dinner together without the kids last night, and we went to an upscale bistro-meets-beach place in the neighborhood we used to live in when we first started dating.  I have been coming out of my shell more lately so I was able to volley back some of the witty banter with him and we were laughing and reconnecting and it felt good to be back to the happier and more connected relationship I've been missing lately.  The food was top-notch and the atmosphere relaxing.  It was a perfect Friday night.
Today felt really productive.  I got groceries, took a walk, got a haircut and will now finish this blog and go for a drive with my family before possibly watching a movie later.
This month has been much harder to deal with Monthly Disaster and its seemingly incessant cravings.  Last month was a breeze, this month? Not so much.  I have given in to some of the cravings but not with reckless abandon.  I am happy to say that feeling beautiful is more important to me right now than shoveling junk into my mouth.  Chips are my weakness, but I can eat a handful or two and stop where before I would just keep going.  It is the best of both worlds, I can have a little something, not feel awful, and stop when I'm satisfied. It is starting to make sense, the balance of all these things.  I can enjoy the fact that an attractive man smiles at me and blushes without losing control or losing my head.  There needs to be balance in every aspect of life.  I think I have been feeling like I am falling over for a long time now, but I am finally starting to regain my balance.  It feels good to be upright and looking forward to balance and peace.

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