Wednesday, May 6, 2015

What's a Wednesday Without a little Drama?

Today was an interesting mix of things that left me feeling...hmm unsure.  It was sort of like my day was in reverse, I had a great amount of energy in the morning, despite having a nasty sore throat.  I could not get my hair to look good even after a second wash/retry, but I was still in pretty good spirits because I knew I would see Elliot today.  Normally when he comes I am working in my "lab" area, and the door chime sounds and I peek around the corner and he's almost to my lab area.  Today, I was within sight when he came through my store-front, and he gave me a huge smile right away when he saw me, like he was feeling a little shy about me watching him walk toward me.  When he got to me, we both started to talk at once, he asking me how I am and me asking if he had the day off yesterday.  He said that yes, he did indeed have the day off yesterday and said he's not even supposed to be doing the deliveries, but the person whose job it is is on a medical leave for 3 mos.  He said, " They just ask if I want to do it and I say, 'who wouldn't?!"  I wanted to tell him that I will be bummed out when he stops doing it, but he started moving as if to leave, but looked at me straight in the eyes and while blushing so hard he said, " Well, hopefully I'll get to see you tomorrow."  I think I said it back, but I was a little stunned.  He seems somewhat shy and I know he likes me, but sometimes it's hard to tell what he's thinking, and while he stays to talk a few minutes, it always seems like he is itching to bolt.  Maybe he is just flirting but not putting any stock into it.  I like the thought of that.  That's what I'm trying to do.  But just by how hard he was blushing when he said he hopes he sees me, I think he's got a little more going on.  And it's really been the first time in a few weeks that he's acted that way, so I had been initiating conversation thinking it was safe to try and make friends and get to know him more.  When he left I had this sickening bittersweet feeling twisting inside me.  Not because I can't have him, but because he seems like such a genuinely nice guy and I feel like I'm leading him on.  I imagined what his reaction would be when he finds out I'm married, and it made me feel like a huge jerk, because I think he'd be a little pissed off that I didn't bring it up before.  But I realize that that is getting way ahead of myself.  He might just be a shy guy who's obliging and old lady by talking to her and maybe he blushes all the time.  I could just be reading into it more than what there is.  I AM the queen of reading into things.  But the way he smiles and blushes I think I'm right on this one.  It's just been a long long time since I made anyone react to me that way.  For the record, and so everyone can get somewhat of an idea, I scouted out a photo from the internet of what he kind of looks like.  This is not my photo, this guy is an actor, Ryan Guzman.  The smile/lips are dead-on, this really looks like Elliot.

So, now you can see why this man has me messed up.
Another strange thing happened today, or has been happening for a couple weeks.  My main UPS man has been acting different around me, won't make eye contact with me, I've even caught him staring at my chest while I sign the pad.  We have only ever exchanged pleasantries, usually business-related ones at that, but I have been in lighter spirits with the Elliot thing, and this UPS man might be taking things the wrong way.  He started spiking his hair up and talking more, standing closer to me than necessary, and today he had cologne on!  I am not going to assume that it is about me, maybe he had a hot date after work or something, but I'm really hoping it has nothing to do with me.  It was about the same time that he put his arm around me that he started acting different.  Could be coincidence.  I have been giving off some vibes, because I feel so good about myself.  I'm not asking for trouble, I am just expressing myself, and I happen to be in a pretty good mood and I think those are qualities men find attractive.
Whatever is making my throat sore slowly started to suck the energy out of me, and the thought of not going for a walk tonight was sounding really good, but once I realized how nice it is outside, I decided to go for a shorter, slower-paced walk than the past couple days.  My husband came with and we had a few laughs, but I was just counting the paces until we got back home so I could rest a little.  My joints were a little achey today, especially my hips, but that might be from adding so much activity so soon with few breaks.  I have one more final exam to take this week and then I'll be free for the summer.  I could have done it tonight, but I'd rather take it when my mind feels fresher.
I know I will need to talk to my husband about what I feel I am lacking, part of the conversation we were having on our walk was about girls who take selfies all the time in order for people to tell them how pretty they are.  I said, "It feels good to hear that you look good." He answered something about it being a shallow way to fulfill oneself.  I wanted to say something but I was a little put-off by the conversation.  Maybe I am shallow, I need outside reinforcement because I didn't grow up as the apple of anyone's eye, an only child totally spoiled and doted on.  I'd like it if that reassurance came from my husband.  Maybe it's not fair to put that on him when it's my own childhood issue, but it is part of my nature as a Capricorn to need reassurance.  My husband is extremely attractive, and ladies do love him, (you can see one of his modeling pictures here) but sometimes he needs a little help knowing what I need.  It's not fair to compare him to someone else, especially when I haven't shared my thoughts with him.  We are planning an overnight or weekend away at the end of the month, just the two of us, this should give us some time to talk.  My marriage isn't in jeopardy, I still see myself growing old with my husband, sometimes I just wish he still looked at me like Elliot does.  We all deserve that from time to time.  Now I'm going to drift off with that lovely picture of Ryan Guzman in my head.  Oh the drama!

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