On the drive home from work last night I heard the new Jason Derulo song, "Want to Want me", I've heard it once before but didn't want to like it because I typically think his lyrics are like a third grader trying to write poetry, but I cannot help it, this song I actually like. I bought it and played it a lot today. It sounds like summer and made me happy today.
I wrote another letter-I'm-not-going-to-send today. It actually made me feel good, because I thought of how it might make him feel or react. Then I realized that if I ever do tell him how I felt, it can't leave the door open to anything. I just have to leave it short and sweet and not too personal, just like our interactions were. I heard once that people only write to each other because they want attention. That bothered me for a long time, but it's only because I don't like to admit it's true. Think of the last time you wrote to someone and they didn't respond. It drives us nuts to put ourselves out there and not get a response. So I need to check my intentions if o ever do write to him. Just writing throw away versions makes me feel better, reminds me that I decided to show up in my own life again, he inspired me to start and I took off. He would probably feel pretty good about that.
Tonight I took a little piece of myself back. My son was doing homework at an alarmingly slow rate while my husband was reading and I was antsy waiting to go for my walk. Finally I decided that I was going to stop making myself the "victim" of the situation and just got up and announced that I was going for my walk. My husband agreed that I should get it in and said he'd help our son finish up his homework. I could have easily been waiting an extra hour if I didn't decide to take what I need. That could've ruined my plans because I would have had to eat by then, which would have made me feel weighed down. Anyway, it was a great walk, the longest I've had in a while. It feels so good to have some energy back! I am looking forward to the trend continuing.