Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Glow

I am a fighter.  I learned this from my mother.  When I am backed into a corner I protect myself and look for an opportunity to throw a blow.  I don't wallow in pity or act meek, I am there to stand my ground.
My marriage is in a bit of a fight right now.  Not a drag-down, screaming fight but a fight to reestablish ourselves and collect some pieces of what has been getting thrown around the past few days since I told him what I've been feeling.  I had no choice, he touched me for the first time in a while, and it made me cry.  So we talked.  I told him I have been perplexed by how other men seem to notice me/ find me attractive but it seems like to my own husband I am invisible.  He asked about how I feel about the men that flirt with me and I said that it felt good, but that I wished it was coming from him instead of them.  He said that it doesn't bother him that other guys find me attractive, but it matters what I do in response to that.  I didn't tell him specifics, it isn't important.  The conversation left off not with him reassuring me that I am attractive and he loves me, but with him telling me that the only one's opinion of me that matters is my own.  And while I know philisophically this is true, I am not that strong yet.  I need that reassurance and I didn't get it.   And it made me feel more distant and guarded.  This all happened Sunday night.  I didn't get enough sleep that night, and I was crying so I must have looked a fright when I saw Elliot on Monday.  He said he was really tired that day too.  I joked and asked if he had a "big weekend" and he just said, "A lot of good eats!"  We shared our flat 'have a good day's' and I was alone to try and stay awake and get work done.  I'd walked to work that morning, 3 mile trek with a hella-steep hill and I was pretty ploughed down from everything.
Later that night, my husband said he wanted to talk some more.  I obliged, feeling that things were really left unresolved.  We hashed over some more things, he was a little degrading in some of the things he said, but I kept sharing feelings because what good is not talking at this point.  He was again put-off by some of the things I said but did give a little bit of reassurance in me/us.  Overall, it still felt really strained between us, and I went to bed with my guard up still.
Today at work was a bit of a drain.  I am so used to working alone, but the new optician came over halfway through the day to learn where everything was located etc.  She is smart and willing to work, I just didn't have much work for her to do, it was slow.  Elliot came through earlier when I was alone, trying to get my computer to work properly.  I was ordering a pair of really funky Ray Ban sunglasses from his lab so when he came to pick up I said, "Those are for a really cool person so take good care of them, OK?"  We made a little small talk and he disappeared.  It didn't affect me as much today.  I was more excited about the new sunglasses I'll be getting than Elliot today.  Sure, he's cute but today I felt like I was picking up on something else that I missed before.  I won't say anything about it until I know more.  I didn't give it much thought.  It was hard getting through my day, I was still tired from not getting as much sleep as I am used to, and with barely no customers coming in, it was snoozeville.  Plus, my muscles were aching from walking up that huge hill yesterday, not to mention the other long walks I've been doing daily.  I had pretty much resigned myself to not walking tonight.  But then I got home and my husband was playing video games with our son, and the homework situation was light so I just decided to go.  I got a decent walk in before it started to sprinkle and I turned for home.  It was actually refreshing to not think about much while walking.  I just really noticed the nature on my street and took in the aroma of all the different trees and bushes in bloom.  I am glad I went even though I didn't want to.  One day off can turn into a week of days off if I let things slip.  My goal is to keep working to make myself feel good no matter what happens with any of the drama in my life.  I can't have things like that dragging me down.  I am working far too hard for this.  I am walking 7 days a week consistently and eating clean every day except a cheat meal on the weekend (which ended up being 2 last weekend due to travel).  I haven't been on the scale, I really don't care what the number tells me.  Things are fitting baggy and some things are much more flattering than they were a month ago.  And I feel better physically, that is a huge statement because I have spent far too much time feeling not good, like something was medically wrong with me.  This is where I am at.  My life might not be glamorous but it is colorful and understated, just like me.  And right now, I'm OK with that.  I have had the boxing gloves on for too long, now Its time to just breathe and take things in stride day by day.  I can't change other people, but I have a choice in how I react to them and how much I allow them to affect me.  Its like my husband said, "If you are glowing that is good, but it isn't for others that you glow, it has to be for you."   I think it's time to glow for me.

No comments:

Post a Comment