Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Weekend, Be Gone!

5/26/15
I, for one, am happy the extended weekend is over.  It seems like everywhere I went I was confronted with junk food begging me to eat it and I obliged too many times.  I used my Monthly Disaster as an excuse, because once certain hormones shift a couple days into the ordeal, I am solid, but the first couple days I am a disaster.  Truly. 
I did manage to get some cardio in, even in the rain one day.  I am typically taking walks of varying intensity and length 5-7 days a week.  I started to notice myself reverting to old patterns over the weekend though, thinking bad thoughts and wanting to eat.  And I did catch myself wanting to eat more when I was extremely and passionately bored on Saturday while my husband was at work.  I did some housework to keep myself busy so I wouldn't eat the entire fridge along with its contents.  It was a good distraction and my house looks nicer.  win-win.  I did eat more chips than I should be allowing myself and I had a sweet granola bar too, despite my better judgement.  And the Memorial Day picnic food was definitely not low-carb with homemade mac and cheese, tofu-brat on white bun, and cole slaw.  Sheesh.  It is just one of the reasons I don't look forward to holiday celebrations, though I know that is selfish to say. 
I still haven't brought myself to meditate.  I am fighting it as if there is a trade-off between feeling good about how I look and being centered emotionally.  I am getting something from feeling pretty/desirable.  I know I need to focus on the meaning behind it, but I am resisting it so much.  I feel like I am in limbo.  At one point, I thought about pretending that I still see him every day, so that the energy of what was there will still propel me to work hard to achieve my goals.  I also thought about keeping working hard so that if I do happen to see him (if he fills in sometime when the runner is out for a day) I will look amazing.  But the one thing that made me feel a little better for a bit was during my walk yesterday, I imagined writing a letter to him on my last day here in the state, telling him the positive ways in which he affected me, and the wonderful things that happened to me because of it.  In a way, just thinking about doing that gave me closure.  We are moving to California in 10 months, if I am still thinking about him by then, I will consider writing a real letter when I am leaving.  Still, I have to reconcile these things for myself in the meantime so I don't fall into a pattern of not caring because there's 'no one to impress' anymore.  This is the problem with letting something outside myself inspire me to lose weight.  Yes, I want to look good and feel beautiful and enjoy the sweet moments in life, and Elliot awakened some of those things in me, but I feel like I am losing some of the mojo since he's not around anymore, which is how I know it didn't come from me really. 
So I still have work to do.  I am still putting in the work because it is habit by now (thank goodness) and I can work on the focus as I go. 
I want to start adding weight training, but I am not looking forward to the shakey, sore/stiff muscles!  I know it is worth it in the end, but I have to get over the mental aversion to these things.  We'll see if I can sneak in a session or two this week.

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