Thursday, May 14, 2015

Head Space

Sometimes I wish my overactive brain would just shut up and shut off for a few hours, give me a small break so I can get out of my head.  
There is a lot going on at work right now. We are preparing to staff the Oakley booth at a marathon this weekend, and it's a Boston qualifier race so it's going to be a pretty big event.  I am mixed with feelings of not wanting to give up the majority of my Saturday to be in a crowded, noisy place (Lambeau Field atrium) and a little excited to be doing something with my work team because that means we actually have a staff, which is saying something!
Elliot hasn't come through the past couple days and I am starting to wonder if the girl whose been doing it is going to be our regular delivery person.  When she first came in I told myself it's no big deal, maybe he's on vacation or too busy with other projects.  But as the day wore on I was thinking about it more than I should have been, and the disappointment set in.  It is bittersweet.  Maybe it's nature's way of telling me I need to stop thinking about him so much and pay attention internally.  
By the time I was driving home from work, I was thinking about Elliot and how my weekend is going to feel really short and not relaxing, and my stomach was growling and I just wanted to go home and eat comfort food and be lazy.  Numb myself to make up for what is to come.  I am a baby, I am so used to not working the weekends that when I have to work one stinking one per year I act like its a catastrophic!  Still, the 6-day work week kind of stinks.  I'll get over it.
I didn't eat junk food when I got home.  I did eat some pickles while fixing my son a veggie burger and I made myself a black bean burger and was still considering not exercising tonight because my hips have been achy since Monday's long walk to work.  But after my burger was cooked, it was determined that no one had homework so I let the burger sit and laced up my shoes and hit the sidewalks.  I thought about how all this began, with a little attention from a cute guy, and what that means for me now that that energy might be gone.  As Paramore played in my hot pink headphones and I watched seagulls gliding effortlessly above me I realized that regardless of how it started or what has changed in me, I have the power to celebrate the ways that I feel cool/am cool and use my strength and energy to continue to grow and own those things.   The only way to grow is to push, and the only way to know who you really are is to be alone with yourself with no one to impress.  This is for me now, not for a cute guy or my hot husband, not for my mother's acceptance or my boss's or teachers.  This is where the real, gritty, punk-rebel has to come out and realize that people are going to do their thing in life, and I have to do mine.  I don't always have the clear vision to it, but I have had this power and strength all along, I just transferred it onto someone else because I didn't believe I could shine that brightly without someone else inspiring it.  I probably wouldn't have gotten back on track of taking care of myself if it wasn't for Elliot, not now at least.  So maybe I
am not seeing this for what it is.  Something lit a spark in me and I have reaped amazing rewards from it.  And I have grown.  It happened for a reason and it ended for a reason.  I will be fine without the training wheels, if I fall I can always get back up and keep on pedaling.

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