This weekend introduced me to thoughts and feelings I thought I was well rid of, and I almost derailed in a horrific way.
My mother had the kids for the weekend, so it was just my husband and me. Thursday was our five year wedding anniversary (though we've been together ten years), and we never make a big deal out of it, but the fact that the stars aligned for us to be able to have a weekend without the kids, meant we celebrated a bit. Friday evening we went to a late dinner at one of our old favorites, Bangkok Garden. The atmosphere is so inviting, relaxing. The food is nice, we both chose curry dishes, mine shrimp (which I never eat, but felt like trying something different). The curry sauce was delicious, I wasn't really feeling the shrimp, but the experience was just what we were looking for, quiet, charming, slightly upscale with exceptional service. It was a lovely dinner, and besides the white rice and coconut milk (in the curry sauce), it was a fairly clean meal.
On Saturday, we had some errands to run, and spent some time at the library and window shopping at the mall, a place we could never take the kids as they have no patience. Afterwords, we had a late lunch at Applebees. By the time we sat down, I had decided that I was going to pull out all the stops and just eat whatever I wanted. I ended up getting sizzling (cajun) chicken in white queso sauce with fried potatoes. The potatoes melted in my mouth, and that queso sauce was just dreamy! By the end of the meal, I was feeling so overpowered by the naughty feelings of indulgence, that I wished my next meal could be just as indulgent, even if I cooked it myself. We went grocery shopping next, which isn't very exciting, but it's nice without the kids! We stopped in the chip aisle, and were admiring a new flavor of tortilla chips and a jar of white queso. All through the store, my husband had been commenting on high-calorie/ high fat/high carb items in a dreamy way. When we got to those chips, he seemed interested, and I asked if we should get them. I must admit, I was a bit disappointed when he said, "Lets not get carried away. It's one thing to fantasize about eating those things, and quite another to put them in the cart and bring them home." Oh poo. I wanted a partner in crime, but he is just too disciplined. We used to balance each other out so nicely, he the most disciplined person I've met, and me the total opposite. I was starting to let the feeling of indulgence envelope me and hug me passionately, but even though his guard was slightly down, he pulled me back. Later he told me, he was testing to see how hard it would be to talk me out of those chips. I gave up right away, and felt ashamed for wanting to indulge and be carried away. We did, however, purchase a bottle of wine, Shiraz, and after a sensible, clean dinner, indulged in some wine. He only had one glass, before moving on to something a little stronger. I finished the bottle. The first two glasses made me feel relaxed and warm, and I should have stopped there. But, I kept going. Why did I do that? I think I was compensating for not being able to indulge with food. And since my husband was drinking too, and harder stuff than me (and he never drinks), that made it OK to have nearly an entire bottle of wine. Yikes. The next morning I was dizzy, tired and dehydrated. And craving sugar. I ate my usual breakfast, which took care of the sugar cravings in a hurry and a few cups of coffee made me feel more alive. Our drive to get the kids and come back home is about three hours, and the kids were fighting nearly all the way home. Then we had to pick up a few things from Target, and here is where I nearly changed the entire course of my journey. While walking through the store, I had hit my 3-hours-since-my-last-meal point, and they had all their delicious Easter candy proudly displayed, seeminly down every aisle of the store. I could smell it, the sweet sweet chocolate, the jelly beans, the Cadbury eggs. I wanted it, and I wanted it BAD. I haven't had this feeling really since I started this journey, I was simultaneously irritated and invited by the thought. Then, the worst happened. A naughty little plan creeped into my head. I will buy chocolate tomorrow while everyone's out of the house. I will eat every last morsel and hide the evidence. I will get right back on track after that. No one has to know but me. Just the sneaky little plan in the back of my head gave me some gratification. When I got home, I ate clean the rest of the day, and kept my intervals to 3 hours or less. But I was still planning on following through with my damaging plan. Then, as I was looking for something, I came across a shirt I like to workout it. A shirt that was always too small for me until recently. And reason returned. Why on earth would I jeopordize or halt my own progress?! Eating all those garbage-sugars would just put me on the blood sugar roller coaster I've been on my whole life. One binge like that, and I would completely derail. And I was really close to letting that naughty little feeling of indulgence sabotage everything. That was a really close call, too close. But I learned from it. My weight issues have been very much about how the act of indulging makes me feel; rebellious, impetuous, joyous. In the past I would get a high off indulging, but the aftermath was damaging to the core. Which is why I am on this journey in the first place. My husband has been so supportive, but I know he would be really disappointed if I went off track. And more than that, I would be disappointed in myself. I allow myself one cheat meal per week, and usually don't even entertain the thought of letting there be anything more than that. I am glad that I was faced with this challenge, because it showed me what I am made of. I had the strength to make the right choice, and not because my husband was telling me not to do it, or refusing to do it with me; not because of my husband at all. I did it because I deserve to reach my goal and be proud of myself. I know what the other life felt like and I hated it.
So, this week I am going to work on my meal intervals, getting back to eating every three hours or less, to speed up my metabolism. I have been slacking on that lately. I will also up the anti on cardio sessions, which will help kick up the metabolism too. Cardio every day. It's not a chore for me, I actually like cardio. The weather will be warming up again this week, that means summer is coming in a hurry, and I still have a way to go before those tank tops look good on me. Scale said 165 this morning, but I did see a 164 during the week last week, and am hoping for a reappearance of that little friend during the week. Measurements on Friday, and I promise not to April Fools. Well, maybe. Here's to everyone having a successful week!