Friday, March 11, 2011

Just My Time

I have been slowly trying to recover from stomach death, and today presented more of a challenge than yesterday.  I tried to eat "on plan" and about midday, my stomach started to seriously protest.  So I had one break in the program, to eat something neutral for my stomach, which was one cinnamon toast waffle topped with ground ginger and dipped in sugar-free syrup.  But I didn't feel better until just a while ago, after eating a turkey burger and taking some ginger capsules.  Now I am finally starting to feel human again.  My metablism has slowed WAY down, and my appetite only peaks every 4-5 hours, and even then, my throat/esophagus is so sore that I hate eating.  Hoping this will all go away soon.
Earlier this week, I read an article about friends and loved ones who suffer from jealousy and try to sabotage the efforts of someone who is making strides to lead a healthier lifestyle.  It got me thinking about it, and relating it to my own life.  I am fortunate to have a lot of support, not just from my family, but from my friends and my lovely readers.  But it does really ring true.  When someone close to us is taking the initiative to improve their health, and we are not, we tend to feel a bit ashamed of what we are not doing.  I know this because I have done this myself.  To friends, and even my husband.  They were doing something I didn't feel I had the power to do at the time, and it made me feel like a huge failure.  It was especially damaging for me to feel that way, because not only did I feel like garbage, which made me self-soothe by eating crap, but I was distancing myself from the people I cared about and being a really ugly person.  I'd like to think I was good at hiding how I felt, but I know my husband knew part of my frustration in him alwaysbeing at the gym (which was more dramatization than reality) stemmed from feelings of my own shortcomings of not being able to committ to getting healthy.  But I always knew that I would cut out the time for me, when it was my time.  And, just like my husband, and the others I secretly envied, I wouldn't let anything stand in my way.  So it has literally taken my 30 years of being overweight to reach that pinnacle, to decide that I want this more than I want to indulge and self-medicate with food.  And the important words in that last sentence are "I want", which is something I have not focused on too heavily since I have been married with kids.  I have always put others first because I always felt like they were more important than me.  And now I know that I am making it work because my needs/wants are important, and the only thing that was standing in my way were the thoughts I was wrongly allowing myself to think.  And though I have been really lucky to have so much support, I have met with some negativity from time to time and I from now on I will tell them exactly what I think.  I know you feel bad that you are not taking steps to improve your health right now, that doesn't mean you are a bad person, it just means it's just not the right time for you.  Healing your body has to start with your mind, because not only is it your only limit, but it is the doorway to your wildest dreams.  And when you are ready, you will be wherever you dreamed you could, and I will be so happy for you!
Happy happy weekend everyone!  Keep rockin your goals!

3 comments:

  1. Being over-critical of ourselves is very easy to do. Other people always seem to be fiiter, stronger, prettier and cleverer and we envy them and by doing so criticize ourselves even more for being envious.
    It is a foolish cycle to be caught in but many of us do it. You are right to recognise this and take steps to change this mindset.
    Thank you for another thought provoking post. I really enjoy reading these.

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  2. Your support means so much to me! Thanks for being a loyal reader.

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  3. "Happier," Mom...makes, for a HAPPIER..."family!"

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