Fully Alive

Today is one of those days where just everything has gone right.  I'm thinking I should play the lottery, but that might be pushing my luck.  The morning went smooth, getting my happy and coorperative kids on their busses without incident or struggle.  There were two new comments on my latest photo on Facebook, friends telling me how fabulous and thin I look.  It was sprinkling today, which was melting the snow and making it feel like spring, which lifted my spirits right off the bat.  I actually love the rain.  I did my interval cardio, which included the most intense level (supercharged).  I am finding that walking at that pace is really awkward, my legs are going so fast that I feel clumsy.  I may have to start running on that level.  Crazy thought!  At breakfast time I ate all my usually goodies, and took a whole heap of vitamins, a caffeine pill and some yohimbine(my husband's recommendation, says it burns brown fat cells?).  Then, I headed off to the mall to try and find a proper interview suit.  Now, I am not a mall kind of girl.  I have been obese my entire adult life, and that has meant that very little of the mall's offerings fit a girl like me, unless I shop in specialty shops, and over the years, some of them have had the most ridiculous names (16 Plus comes to mind.  Yuck!)  Anyway, I knew if I was going to get a proper, professional suit, I had to go to the mall.  I was headed toward Younkers department store, when I happened upon a Dress Barn (another less-than-flattering name).  I popped in and immediately loved nearly every item they had.  A saleslady approached and asked if I was looking for anything in particular and I explained my needs.  She showed me to the Jones New York buisness wear and asked my size.  I said that I'd lost weight recently, and thought I was an 18.  She told me the Jones line runs generous, and to take a 16 as well.  Then, as she was unlocking a dressing room for me, she said, "You sure don't look like a size 16-18 to me, you look smaller.  Try those on and we'll go from there."  So I started with the 16.  It fit, and the jacket was baggy.  She told me I had way too much room in the dress, and brought me a 14.  The 14 fits perfect and makes me look nice and slim.  Then she got me a size 14 jacket and that was still too big, so she had to go to the jackets on the other side of the store, the side where the "regular" sized women shop.  She found me the most adorable, classy jacket in a "regular" person's size 16 and it tapers just perfectly to make me look like I have a waist for the first time in my life.  It was way more than I wanted to spend, but once I had the ensemble on, I couldn't pass it up.  I felt classy and sophisticated like Jackie O.  The sales lady was awesome, she kept congratulating me on my weight loss, telling me I look great, and wishing me luck on the interview, even after the sale was in the bag.  Being in the customer service industry for more than 20 years, I was really impressed with the service I got and will make time to send a letter off to the manager. 
One I got dressed back in my own clothes, my one and only pair of jeans that I own, and one of my newer shirts, I realized how desperately I needed a new pair of jeans.  The ones I had been wearing are a size 22 and look so baggy and aweful on me that it's embarassing.  So, I went to Old Navy, because I still haven't spent my gift card I got at Christmas time.  I wasn't sure if anything was going to fit me, some department store sizes run small, and they only go up to 18 or 2X.  I tried on some boot cut jeans and another pair of tan casuals in size 18.  Both too big.  I tasked the sales lady for a size 16 and 14, and she brought me a 14 and a 12 by mistake.  I could get the 14's on and buttoned and zipped, but they would've given me a muffin top, so I got a pair of 16's.  They are a little baggy in the legs, but I think a washing should make them fit about perfect.  I am still in disbelief that I am wearing sizes 14 and 16 anythings.  In December I was still in 22-24 range, so this is whole new territory for me.  And, mentally it is really screwing with me.  When I put on these smaller sizes (and even the realization that I can now shop in the mall) I feel so good and much thinner.  But then I will see all the fat hanging off my midsection, or try on some clothes that emphasize how much further I have to go, and it makes me feel bad, as though I don't look as good as I feel I should.  It is just a mind game.  And no matter what, I know that I am not all the way to my goal, and I can take it as far as I want to go.  And when I think about it, I have lost more than 20 pounds in 3 months, if I continue on losing at this pace, I will be nearly to my goal in another 3-4 months I think.  That thought is a little absurd to me.  If I had known it would take so little time to lose the stuff I'd been carrying around for 30 years, I would have done it a long time ago.  I always made it out to be so hard in my mind.  Maybe that is just another exscuse we give ourselves because we don't want to let go of the things we like to eat.
On my drive home, I blindly grabbed for any cd I could reach, and it turned out to be Flyleaf, which is a new fave of mine.  The song Fully Alive came on, and I blasted it so loud, and it just took my spirits as high as they have been since I've started this journey.  The chorus is so great, I will leave you with this and bid you all a fantastic weekend!
Fully alive, more than most
Ready to smile, and love life
Fully alive, and she knows
How to believe in futures.


Popular Posts