Thursday, March 31, 2011

Better

After a weight training session, some Flyleaf, and a comparison photo, I am feeling much better.  I did my weight work in front of my full length mirror today, which gave me a great boost of confidence.  I could actually see my muscles working, see their strength.  I listened to Flyleaf while working out, their music/lyrics make me feel really strong as well.  After my workout, I searched for a photo of myself, in a peice of clothing that I still have, so I could compare.  There weren't many!  I have really done a great job of avoiding having my photo taken, and I got rid of a lot of clothing when we moved out of Vegas.  I cleaned out my closet a few weeks ago, trying on each peice of clothing I owned, and almost everything had to go, it was just too big.  That was bittersweet.  But I haven't donated them yet, so I was able to get this photo today for comparison.  The first is of me at my "going away" party in Las Vegas, with my dear friend, Thelma (March 2009).  I realize it isn't fair to be too analytical of the photos as the first was taken in a dark casino and today's was taken in my home, where I could take multiple photos and save the best one.  But, it helped me, mentally, to see how far I've come.  In person, the dress looks horrible, you can tell it is baggy.  This is one I was considering keeping, but it doesn't do anything for my new size/shape. 
Anyway, while I was searching for photos, I found plenty of really aweful photos of me, and for a moment I stopped and thought about how nice it will be when I can have photos taken of me that don't make me cringe.  Someday!
During my workout, I was thinking about what my husband said to me the other day, that very few people do what I am doing.  He wanted to be sure I understood the magnitude of it.  Of course I do.  I have been trying to do this for 25 years.  And then I thought about how aweful I have felt being unemployed for so long and for the first time I actually saw the blessing in it.  It took this (seemingly horrible) life event to free up the time and space for me to focus on myself.  How many people get this opportunity?  It hasn't been easy living on one income, but now I know, there was a really remarkable reason why this is happening to me.  And it is saving my life.
I will leave you with a few lines of the Flyleaf song, Again, that was particularily inspiring me today, as I imagined I was saying them to myself.

Here you are down on your knees again
Trying to find air to breathe again
And only surrender will help you now
I love you please see and believe again.

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